- master my musical abilities so people can stop telling me that im not good enough.

- be better for evan.

- get emt cert

- be less awkward

- go with the flow

- get organized

- stop being a phone/laptop addict

- meet my brother

- learn to better manage my anger

- pick up a not musical hobby

- exercise more

- take more pictures

- be a happier person

- sleep more

- drink less coffee

- drink more water

- eat better

- lose 10 lbs

- avoid drama

- learn to love the quiet

- calm down

- grow a bonsai tree

- raise tea leaves

- get a puppy

so my party is in 2 days.

frg,hdklhy. im really excited. and im kinda nervous. go away snow .. i dont know how many people i can fit in my house when they get snowed in. and im not sure what my mom would think if like a zillion people were sleeping in my living room. hmm.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

so before you ask. no. il probably never forgive you. but im going to learn to deal with the fact that i cant seem to get rid of you. people dont change. they just learn to better hide their flaws. youre doing a really crappy job. stop lying to me. stop pretending to care what i think. and stop sticking your nose in my business. stop.

p.s. im really happy today. like. its been a really good day. (:

danbksgfiuhesiughfi.

buy me a drank. please..

so im in sams room. on her macbook. i hate it. hha. i feel like if i sit in a common room in my house too long im going to punch someone in the head. i cant stand it anymore. ugh.

evan s grounded. and its upsetting. odfdslfkbge.

i dont even know why i started this blog. its stupid. and no one reads it. and i waste too much of my time, with it.

1. my name is ashley

2. his name is evan

3. my birthday is february 8th

4. i could tell you my life story and you wouldnt know a thing about me

5. i talk a lot.

6. i love music, probably differently than you.

7. my hair is brown and whatever else i put in it.

8. i text a lot.

9. i used to have braces.

10. i dont like my picture taken.

11. my boyfriend lives across the street from me.

12. i've never smoked a cigarette.

13. i like to run.

14. i hate to cry.

15. i dont settle for anything less than my best

16. i hate my house but i love it all the same

17. i love my sister more than almost anything

18. someone once told me that i was an accident.

19. i think that looks are almost as important as personality. dont look dirty.

20. i brush my teeth too much.

21. my favorite movie is tuck everlasting.

22. i read a lot

23. my library in my room is alphabetized.

24. i read Robinson Crusoe when i was in 6th grade.

25. sometimes i pretend im somewhere else.

26. i get really anxious sometimes.

27. i get panic attacks when im stressed out.

28. i like social events like concerts and festivals.

29. i hate rude people.

30. i also hate ignorant people.

31. one time someone asked me if having sex would kill my boyfriend because he has a heart problem. honestly, before i was asked, i forgot all about it.

32. extreme home makeover makes me cry.

33. i dont like it when i make plans and then they get fucked up.

34. i hate it when people try to screw me over.

35. sometimes i want to push my mom off a cliff, and sometimes she's the only one that legit gets when im pissed off.

36. its hard to make me angry permanently.

37. im not a violent person but i dont let people fuck with me.

38. i like it when people stand up for me, that doesnt mean that i cant do it myself.

39. i like hugs.

40. i hold hands with people who arent evan, and its not weird.

41. i love my big brother. so much. even though ive never met him.

42. im scared of losing him.

43. there is only one person in the world with the power to make me grovel.

44. im not addicted to facebook.

45. i love pandora.

46. my nose is rather large. and i like it.

47. i ignore texts sometimes.

48. i play a few instruments.

49. i takes me too long to think of 101 things about myself.

50. i have poor circulation and tendonitis. they dont mix well.

51. i wish i had a pretty voice.

52. im a lucky person. but i have to worst luck.

53. i hate the jonas brothers.

54. i have a ring that has the music to amazing grace on it.

55. i lost my best friend 3 years ago.

56. there are only like 5 people that can legitamately make me smile.

57. i have my life planned out to a t.

58. i have a job at a newspaper.

59. i want to be a journalist.

60. i love my music teacher. hes so bald<3

61. i wish i was irish.

62. i dont like being stuck home.

63. i love the smell of burning wood and the sound of the fire horn.

64. i love bright colors, but i wear a lot of neutrals.

65. i cant dance but i like to

66. i get angry when people pretend to have something wrong with them for attention.

67. i love firemen.

68. i hate bitchy girls.

69. i over think everything.

70. im not going to make the same mistakes.

71. i dont like when people judge me.

72. sometimes i wish i was blind. i have no idea why.

73. i rarely regret things.

74. i hate it when people take me too seriously.

75. i love when things fall into place.

76. i have plans to move into my grandparents house once my aunts are all gone(:

77. i play piano when i dont know what else to do.

78. i have almost no common sense.

79. i have an excellent sense of direction.

80. i love hannah montanna but i hate miley cirus.

81. i dont trust most of the people i know.

82. i can do things for myself, but i still sometimes feel like i need someone to take care of me.

83. im pretty immature sometimes.

84. im really funny

85. no one else laughs like me.

86. i love the sound of my poppops whistling.

87. i love christmas lights.

88. i get really mad when people dont rsvp

89. i dont talk on the phone a lot.

90. i want a big white house. with yellow shutters.

91. i love my blackberry.

92. my favorite color is yellow

93. i work at a newspaper.

94. i hate roses and carnations.

95. im a trekkie.

96. i dont drink a lot of soda.

97. i love it when im sore the morning after i work out a lot.

98. i love it when people play guitar.

99. i hate it when people pretend to be good at everything.

100. i chew on my bottom lip and stick my tongue out when im really concentrating.

101. i've been told i shine like the sun(:

i have the most amazing boyfriend on the planet. and im the luckiest girl in the world. 4th time's a charm?(: <3

p.s. those are sammy's feetXD

true story. i have never not wanted to count down the new year so much in my life.

it scares me that i cant even think about things related to things that are related to you without shriveling up a little inside. when you touch me i want to wrap myself around you and crawl into a corner all at once. when i look out my window and i see your house i want to move to mexico and be closer to you at the same time. i cant watch war movies, i cant look at guys in camo hoodies, i can hardly open text messages when i see that it wasnt you lighting up my phone. im hanging by a really thin thread and all of this is weighing me down. i dont think anyone has ever mattered to me as much as you do. i used to pride myself of being independant. i could live without most of the people on the planet. you pretty much shot me out of the sky. i cant even claim that anymore. i dont know what to do. im not sure if i sit and wait, if i approach with caution, if i stay away for a while, or if i dive in and hope i land feet first. i wouldnt though. its always head first with you. you gave me the ability to act without thinking because i thought i would always have you to depend on. i cant wait for all this waiting to be over. i feel stupid crying all the time without a real reason. its too complicated. i love you. im thinking i may love you too much.

so i have been neglecting my blog for far too long, but its okay. iv been really busy. but im going to pretty much recap 2009 for me. it will probably include refrences to my 2008 seeing as how my 2009 was a very large improvement.

* so my 2009 began babysitting with evan. i would have to say though, it was the most fun babysitting i have ever had. haha. january was pretty normal, as was february- in which i turned 15- other than my exploits in tubing down a mountain with evan once more, aha. march was extraordinary. i got my braces off, got a new phone, and marched in the St. Patrick's day parade in Baltimore, second in the area only to Boston. april was normal too, there must not have been anything too redic if i cant remember it. may was normal may, sammy's birthday and whatnot. i also marched in the Pittsgrove Day Parade. this is also when i began immersing myself in piano a little more. for a while i had only played when i was asked. but from then til now it has been an outlet for me. june was pretty good. a parade and graduation and closing up my freshman year dominated my thoughts a lot. there was also the fact that a lot of my friends whom were seniors were graduating and leaving my side for a while. july brought all new adventures though. i cant remember what i did for the 4th, but i went to knoebels later in the month. with evan. it was amazing. i love that boy to pieces. no matter how much i complain. no one else could make me feel this way. no one ever has. even now, with it being a little rocky. okay. maybe its a lot rocky. this too shall pass. [[ihope]]. august was equally as awesome. with ti and time with boy. september brought a new school year and the ability to boast and brag about my senior boyfriend. marching band also began [with band camp at the end of august.] speaking of school. i have yet to have to face high school without evan. i've always had him. i think this will make it even harder when he isn't around next year. i shall deal. october was a lot like september, football games, bus rides, a lot of babe. i think the best part of november was thanksgiving with evan and his mommy. they came to my daddy's. its still december. christmas was fun. evan and i celebrated our one year on the fifth. today everything fell apart and they're now coming together, slowly. the fam is all here now. and im texting evan.

iloveyou

8562751654

fjdbgsjetdbrugfvbu

i wish i could singggggggg

ahhhh

going to the christmas parade with papa tonight. and apparently babe(:

i missed blogger so much. i had a short fling with tumblr. and i dont think it brought as much to the table as blogger in an odd way. like. it has more to offer, but im not as comfortable with it. how am i supposed to have a trusting relationship with a blog i cant connect with. i feel like one in a million on tumblr. [i know im one in a million on blogger as well, but i am more familiar with it]. i take back what i said before... about never blogging again. i cant not blog. its like... my thing.

so tomorrow is a half day. and everyone accept the band gets to watch the powderpuff football game. we have to go to the middle school and play for a bunch of 7th and 8th graders that pretend to listen to us, but im all actuality they are sitting there zoning out or talking to their friend next to them. i mean, if we actually got to talk to them, like legit, i think we really could convince them to do band, but we play and then talk for a hot second and leave. like. its bull crap. we dont sound good enough to tantalize anyone into joining. i wish i could tell them how good band is. like. we may not sound amazing, but we love what we do. we are like a family. we have our drama, but for the most part, we have eachothers backs. there is a special bond you have when you join. even after you graduate. everyday im still inspired by P. and everyday i get anxious for band class. i really cant even imagine high school without band. and the amazing friends that i have because of it. like. bryan. i love him to pieces. i met him through band. evan. we started talking again because of band. kelsey. band. shanequa. band. like. its amazing. it changed me. a lot. i have a new respect for musicians and a new hate for cheerleaders and football players. haha.

sweet jeezus. im such a geek. i dont even care.

i miss evan. i hate that i havent spoken to him in a while. hes like a piece of me. p.s. he and his family are coming to thanksgiving dinner at my daddys. and i am bringing him to christmas eve at my aunt and uncles. im so excited. this is so real. <3

one. i should have listened to everyone about you. but i let the kind part of me take over... once again. and you pretty much stabbed me in the back. and i dont know why it botheres me. its not like you meant anything to me... idk. probably because you had me convinced you were my friend. liar. im so gullible. and people... including you... take advantage of me all the time. i need to stop believing everything that comes out of people's mouths. ugh.

two. i miss dancing so much. like you have no idea. it was a huge part of me. and it just kind of died one day. and i think it might be your fault. but im not going to point fingers. because i will dance again. i dont care what it takes. because i was good. and it was something that i could do and not be judged. it was easy to be honest then.

three. i know its not easy. but its not supposed to be this hard. i dont even know how to put into words how much this hurts. like. fuck.

four. ;osdjfgnkdfbgidtbyo

im done blogging.

never blogging again.

ever.

http://senduit.com/d4e05d

it's been a while since we've spoken. a lot has changed. you probably wouldnt recoznize me anymore. im stronger now. and i dont look as cute clinging to your side. and im okay with how different i am. im getting used to doing things for myself. something i didnt have the will to do before. i depended on you. and looking back, it was disgusting. i gross myself out sometimes.

so i was eating a toasted pb&j sammie. but sammy took it. now all i has is a glass of milkkk.
talking to maxxx. oh how i miss him.

were painting my house today.
im doing my english work though.

<3

holy cannoli. i dont even know what to say. its falling apart at the seams. haha. im like speechless. im over it. whatever happens happens.

c'est la vie.
<3

uno. i had some mac and cheese. with pepper jack cheese in it. and now my breath stinks. and i dont like it.

dos. im really bored. and i want you to come see me. now. because i miss you. so very much.

tres. follow me.(:

text me.
8562751654

one. camp was amazing. i made so many new friends. i learned so much. it was amazing to be able to be so open and outgoing without people looking at you like you have five heads. jordan and i were connected at the hip a lotta times but we still sorta "branched out" we made friends with tons of new people like max and ryan and pilar and omg the list goes on. i loved lmti. and i wanna go backkkk. (:

two. i missed evan like. insane. its crazy. i never noticed how much i depend on him for a lot. i missed holding his hands. and hugging him. and hearing his voice. and kissing him. i sorta wish he coulda come with me. but he went last summer. and our school is too poor to sponsor people more than once. i love him so so so so so much. he has work today. and im gonna go out and see him before he leaves. hence me being up this early. <3

three. my tragis. is. amazing. i love it so much. i put a colored spike on the outside. and i wanna lick it... max? haha. but forreal. im so happy i got it done. it was worth it. i think im gonna get something on my other ear next. not sure what.

four. shopping with kylie today. text me.

i love you so very much.

xoxo

they call her love, love, love, love, love.

she is love.

and she is all i need.(:

one. school starts in 26 days. and im not prepared. i haven't gone shopping. im not done my summer work. i dont want to go back and deal with any of the people that pretend to be my friend. im sick of people using me. im tired of people being disrespectful. and im fed up with no one taking me seriously. im over all of it. fml.

two. my brother is dumb. realll stinkin' dumb.

three. i dont sleep at night. not anymore. i lay awake most of the night. i wish i was thinking about things, coz then during the day i would have a lot less to think about. but i just lay there. im scared if i get to thinking im going to lead myself to believe stupid things and make stupid excuses for people that screw up over and over.

four. im so sick of coming up with reasons why i should keep forgiving you and going back to see you. im not sure why i try so hard. no matter what i do you never seem happy. everything is insufficient. and i shouldnt have to make myself wirthy of your love. youre supposed to just give me that stuff. i guess im asking for too much. whatever.

five. apparently flies with one wing that keep flying around your head are flies of the mutant variety. haha. and youre supposed to drop guys when youre trying to save their lives while dangling from a building on a rope.(:

i love some people.

(:

you only wish it was you.

post #263.

so today is our eight month. and hes being akward. i dont know. im over worrying my head off over everything. im at nicoles. and were bored. we wanna go do something.

dudeee. my shoulder hurts so bad. like i wanna cry. stupid muscles. i took midol and put biofreeze on it. -crosses fingers- hopes it workss.

friday im getting my wisdome teeth pulled. sucks right. not really. i want them outta my head. the doctor said theyre probably causing my headaches. ughh.

erffmylifeee

<3

so i havent posted in 25457434186453728 years. and its sad. first blogger was down. then my computer was on the brink of death. then i went on vacation [ill tell you about that later.] haha. its so great to have my blog back. im so excited. ah! i cant wait to tell casey. and ellen. and jordan. woo hoo!

holy cow! its hot in here. its like a zillion degrees. and im wearing flanel pants. cause it was cold last night. dangg weather. needs to make up its stinking mind. like one minute its breezy then its like africa. a g h h h !

im not crazy cause i take the right pills.

everyday.

so i've been babysitting for cash all summer. evan's little brother. hes alright i guess. he's a little mean sometimes. he likes to throw things at me. and he yells a lot. buts money is money... speaking of. i need more. so i can buy books. im out of stuff to read. its sad making.

vacation...

so i went on vacation with evan, his mommy, and his brother. it was tons of fun. we left the 23rd [last thursday]. i drove down with evan and we followed his mom. she had the camper and the truck. it rained a lot while we were down there. but we went to Knoebels [a really cute little amusement in eastBF] and Cabela's. i had a lot of fun just hanging out with everyone. see, they camp with a h u g e group of friends. and everyone hangs out and eats breakfast together. we visited a red deer farm. it was different. dont get me wrong, it was fun, but it was odd.

on top of all that, i spent almost every waking moment with evan. i got used to having him at my side most of the time. and he was always the first person i saw when i woke up and the last person i saw before i went to sleep.

now that im home, i miss evan, but i dont. like i know that i dont want to spend too much time with him too soon or we will get so sick of eachother, but a part of me misses having him so close.

this morning though he did something uber cute. he came into my room and woke me up. youre like "wtf?!"

UGH. the fire horn is going off. and there goes my boyfriend. be safe babe. [:

oh yeah. he's an american hero. incase you didnt already know. haha.

but seriously... youre like "wtf?!" but it was cute cause he made sure he was the first person i saw. like we were back in PA in his camper. i loved it. i love himm.

df,gjbhszkjdfbgkrsdtbglzdkfghkzdsfgbklehtgkhtglksrjhgkljzsdghklzsdjg

hai

im ashley

and im radder than you

just sayin

im eating a burger

right now

as im typing

i like to chew ice

and i smell good sometimes.

but i sometimes smell bad.

XD

i came here to make you dance tonight

DANCE

aahahahaha

i love myself.

and ellen.

just saying.

btw.

evan = facee

have you ever just fealt really empty? you know how to fill it. but you cant. you reach. and reach. but nothing is enough.

i messed up. i messed up bad. and i cant take back what i said. but i dont want to. i need to learn from myself. i was made wrong. i cant learn from other peoples mistakes. im just abnormal. fml. i miss him so much. its like a twisting iron. its uncomfortable. to say the least.

but like usual. im going to put on a mask. so everyone can be happy. and wallow in my grief alone.

DEE's house tomorrow nightish. bonfire. il drown my sorrows in andrew's liquor. yayy. hahaha. i love my friends. theyre the bestest.

list of things people say that upset me:

-"no youre not" in response to im sorry. IF I WASNT I WOULDNT HAVE APOLOGIZED

-"it will be okay"

-"you should be able to do this"

-"easier said than done" DONT SAY IT

-"i used to love you"

so ellen and jordan have been bugging me to write a new blog for AGES.lol. so finally im writing a new blog.

im in newspaper class. and im trying to write my rough draft for my article on graduation, but the teachers arent exactly giving me nice answers. like they are being very blunt blatent and not descriptive. how am i supposed to write a dang article about planning graduation if the freaking planners dont answer my questions.

agh. so this weekend is going to be crazy. CRAZY FUN. XD

i have no idea what to write. im suffering from the incurable writers block. save me. someone.

iloveyou. a lot.
8562751654

p.s. ellen. if youre reading this. I LOVE YOU! XD

p.p.s. jordan. call me. i need to know about plans for this weekend.

hear my words that i might teach you.

take my arms that i might lead you.

so im in a really good mood. everything is better. and my world is righting itself. im so happy. and jordan is happy too. were both happy. at once. XD.

ugh; i hate buzz kills. stupid people.

im gonna go make food. nom.

iloveyouanddontyouforgetit

it was like being punched in the face. and i couldnt bring myself to say that it hurt. it did. it hurt terribly. like twisting something into a spot thats already home to way too many dusty memories and painful words once dwelled upon but now pushed to the far corner of my brain.

you kissed me on the sidewalk. then you left me standing there. i couldnt make my legs move. i was too concerned with holding my ribs together so the liquid that was now drowning everything inside me didnt make a mess on the curb. i wouldnt want to spill it on anyone's shoes. its my burden. not a poor pedestrians. i stood there. for what seemed like hours. and when i finally came to, your lights were out, and someone was calling my name.

i know it was partially my fault. mostly mine. but not singularly mine. you said yourself. its a two way thing. and you were to blame too. i dont want to admit it. because for some awful reason, its easier to blame myself.

I have squandered my resistance

For a pocketful of mumbles

Such are promises

All lies and jests

i dont want tomorrow to come. i dont want to have to clean up the mess i made. i want it to be fixed. but i dont know how much more i can bear. im not as strong as i used to be. he wore me down.

i dont know why i wrote this blog. it just made me feel worse. ugh.

im in ru's class. XD its pretty funny. im not sure what to do. im lazy. and bored. im listening to debbie dean's itunes. she has awesome music. i mean. she could handle some new stuff. i listen to it everyday. its getting old. theres a lot of old stuff. barry just discovered RHCP. its probably the funniest thing ever. not even lying. hes HILARIOUS. hmmm. gramma rose needs to die. just saying.

so yesterday me and my dad got along really well. i was excited. til he killed it by answering the phone and telling me he needed to take that call. ugh. i give up trying to please him. gah.

friday night im going to a fallout boy concert. should be pretty e p i c. yesh indeed. ima call mah face when im there. so he can hear it.

saturday im going to ocean city with face. for a benefit walk. and i have shin splints. ought to be exciting. i have to TAPE my shins. really well. so i dont die. but it ill be fun. il be with face all day. and im happy about that. i love face. soo soo sooo soooo muchhh. i really dont know what id do without him. id be like an empty shell. pretty much pointless.

its raining out. i hope it isnt raining friday or saturday. the concert is outside and the boardwalk is... outside. duhhh.

cj is so funny. he is thoroughly annoyed with almost every person in this class accept me and a few others. he grumbles and grrs. its cute. hes like a 4 year old. i voice his opinion though. i tell people to shut their dam mouth often. ru just laughs at me. haha.

i should be doing work. but i dont wanna. im done pretty much everything. and i think i deserve a break. right? i think so. i have chorus today. and it pisses me off. i hate amanda sheets. agh. shes so stupid. dumb cunt. ugh. stop hitting on my boyfriend you skank. or il slit your fucking throat. i mean it. dead serious. stop. thats my final warning.

fkgjbgr

i dont know what to write. im suffering from chronic writer's block.

fml.
ily.
<3

[12:50] ashl3ymcmuffin: hyujbghuitrfv5ew

[12:50] ashl3ymcmuffin: that was my forehead

[12:50] s4mm dee: hahahahha'

[12:50] s4mm dee: hahaha

by with a little help from my friends.

so happy easter and whatnot. my day has been pretty kick butt. im liking. except for the whole not seeing evan thing. thats sad making. =[ but ohh well. i kinda wanna watch across the universe. hmph. someone come watch a movie with me. bring something i have never seen. that will scare the poop outta me. or make me laught like crazy. -sigh- its so nice out. a tad windy. beggars cant be choosers.

biff is so funny. "im at big lots b/c my mommy wants chairs" ell ohh ell.

evan is at brian and kims... i miss brian. and evan. but brian, i havent seen in a long time.

gonna maybe see the boys later. YEAHYUH. XD i havent seen them in forever either.

upside down. (:

so my new bff. is about the funniest persong ALIVE. lol. hes a riot. im going to a bday party tonight. with face. it should be cute. i love going places with him. XD. its like... sunshine... burn. we both heart man u. and my hair looks HOT. woah. im like... smokinn. bahahaha. im in such a good mood.

she would have cheated on him anyway. she can not go 3 days without having sex. and hes... better than that. hes better off. and so is she. i dont like the way she went about doing what she did. but it needed to happen. jsut saying.

there aint no party like an S club party.

iloveyou.

just saying. (:

[16:08] ashl3ymcmuffin: so im not looking forward to the weekend...
[16:08] ashl3ymcmuffin: =[
[16:09] blocked: ..but why?
[16:09] ashl3ymcmuffin: teh boyfriendzors is grounded
[16:10]blocked: sneak over in the middle of the night
[16:10] ashl3ymcmuffin: bahahaha
[16:10] blocked: thats so dawson's creekily romantic
[16:10] blocked: haha just sayin
[16:10] ashl3ymcmuffin: woah
[16:10] ashl3ymcmuffin: dawsons creek!
[16:10] ashl3ymcmuffin: im gonna do it!

amazing love. how can it be? hahaha. so this weekend. should be... hmm... whats the word... i dunno. so my last blog. it was amazing. i just realized that. it was awesome. i did good. i think im gonna put it in the paper as an editorial. XD

the boat and the blade,
they are all that I know;
the sea calls my name,
and so I must go.

so im in newspaper. again. and im gonna tell you about rock for cancer last night.

so ricky organized it. rock for cancer is a fundraiser... for those who dont know. its a fundraiser to realy for life. schalick has done it a few times in the past. but this year was a total turn around. we have brought in sums of up to $400 before. but this year... ricky raked in a total of over $800. this was the best turn out ever. the first band to play was fifth block. a few teachers that are AMAZINGLY talented. then ground zero... seth's band... played. they did an amazing cover of toxicity. then alex did some acoustic stuff. woah. that took my breath away. it was amazing. after him, EMCK went... mmm. im going to their may 1st show with drop dead gorgeous. im hyped. XD. the night ended with the james daniels trio. they were good. not my favorite. they were... so... average? i opened up the show with the speech ricky had written for himself... but he was late. im so proud of him though. he did an amazing job... woah. imagine if we had Racing Kites to play. we could have doubled our profits. ricky did so great though. he was so organized and he planned so well. hopefully he does it again next year and we raise our goal. XD. come to relay. support us. were cute. (:

iloveyou.

oh... and deanne. her speech. she survived cancer. and her speech last night was awe inspiring. it made me tear up. she was so calm about it all. she is amazing. i love her.

Ah hey ma ma ma. Life in a northern town.

so im in ru's class. and im done my work. and i have had prettymuch a whole block to do nothing. i like it alot. XD. lol. so i start tanning soon. ima be toasty. lol. for prommm. woo hoo. i got gloves. theyre tall. and black. theyre so pretty. im borrowing them from mary. lol. cj is reading this now. lol. hes hovering. hahaha. im listening to ru's playlist. he has amazing music. lollers. "let the sunshine in!" bahahaha. im gonna go. lol. cj wants to see my blog. =]

im in newspaper class. and george is talking. and i want to shoot him. his attutude pisses me off. you can hear the rain on the roof. its soothing. i miss evan. i saw him like five minutes ago. but i miss him so much. he is like... a drug? i live to see him. not even joking. like. when im with him i forget about things. i forget that im stressed. i forget that me and my parents fight. i forget that i hate school. i forget that there is a piece of me that is dead now. he makes me feel alive. like nothing can go wrong. i feel invicible. its a good feeling. i like feeling like i matter to someone. i like to know that he loves me no matter how bad i mess up or how stupid i act. he thinks im pretty... even when i know im not.

And it's 4am and we will stalk again. The princess and her bitter queen. On the 4th day of July. Deep in summers eye, naked like the truth should always be.

more things i hate... i hate ex boyfriends that cant just break off clean. i hate losing pets. and people. i hate knowing things that i dont like are going to happen and i cant change a thing. i hate feeling empty. i hate that people think they make me happy, but they dont, and i dont know how to tell them. i hate when people are mad at me. and wont tell me. i hate that this blog is probably boring you to death and i dont care... yes. i dont care. i hate that i push people away. i hate that he reads this. i hate that he exists. but i hate that as soon as he is gone for good im going to miss him like crazy. he is like a part of my routine now. hes a page in my story. if a page is missing, things dont make sense. dont want to erase the past. because it brought me here. and im liking it here. a lot. i like that im getting comfortable. i like that evan makes me feel like im worth something. i hate that there are people that dont want us together. i hate that those people are close to me, but i wont give him up for them. i hate that people move away. i hate that my parents are divorced. i hate that im not like most kids. i hate the rain. i hate the nights that im alone. i hate being home by myself. i hate that im writing this blog right now. is not worth the time its taking me. this blog isnt worth the time its taking me. but i cant stop.

im going to stop blogging. what would he do then? when he cant keep track of me. what will he say? will he be mad? will he admit to his dependance? i dont care. okay. im done caring so much about what he thinks. i hate that i miss him.

im a hateful person. i know. im not sorry though. im not. im done being sorry.

iloveyousomuchthatitripsmetoshreds.
<3 :D

i miss dancing. remember when i used to complain about it? i miss it soo much. im going back. swear it. i went to visit today. i love that place. im going back. i promise.





i need a job. i hate being poor. and asking my parents for money. i need to stop. lol. im pathetic.





i miss evan. hes like... idk. acting funny. it stings. its like... how it used to be. i dunno. im probably being dumb. and dependant. -sigh- im so stupid. stupid stupid little girl.





i have a headache. but i feel... like my old self. and i guess its nice. but im working hard. to change. to be better. so im like... letting myself slip up. i need to shut up. you dont care. psht.





haha.


nicole. this ones for you. <3

-liars. stupid people.

-when people say theyre friends with someone just so someone else likes them.

-people that are over controlling.

-people that always have to be right... and are quick to correct other people.

-tomatoes...dont ask.

-cold rain.

-wet jeans.

-flat/frizzy hair.

-not being able to do things the right way.

- people without any beat.

-people that join band just for the baltimore trip.

-bad music.

-people that wear clothes that dont flatter them... cover your fat self up. jesus.

-people that cram their beliefs down other's throats... or use their religion, or lack thereof, to avoid doing something they dont want to.

-cold weather that lasts too long.

-people telling me i cant do things... or im not good enough.

-when people act like they know me... but dont.

-when people complain about classical music... stfu... theyre better than you.

-when people are in bad moods and want everyone else to be pissy, but cant stand it when other people are in bad moods.

-people that cant control thir sex drives... decency?

-my bad habit of tapping my forehead with my middle finger when i get excited.

-retainers... and the fact that they make me talk like a window licker.

-when people punish others just for the sake of...

-when people tell me im too young to be in love.

-when the same people tell me stories about their teenage lovers...

-when people say it wont last.

ugh. im so hateful. im sorry... :

"she's give half of texas just to change the way he feels."

so have you ever really wanted to be that one person that could change someone's mind? its not a nice feeling. when you thought you could. but you learned you couldnt. its like youre missing an important part. defective, if you will. hmm.

iloveyou.

i don't have commitment issues. and i would appreciate it if you held your tongue. you don't know anything, and the judgement youre passing on me makes you no better. really. have you looked at yourself lately? i doubt you have. you don't seem like the reflection type. i should have known better. than to talk to you abou that. i should have known you were going to blow it all out of proportion. i should have known you were going to take credit where its not due. its not my problem that you have problems keeping your tendencies under control. i would like for you to not blame me for aspects of your life you aren't happy with. just remember, im not the only one that feels this way. and youre not the only friend i have. reserve your comments for someone who needs you.