The cry of the city like a siren's song. Wailing over the rooftops the whole night long. Saw a shooting star like a diamond in the sky. Must be someone's soul passing by.

heh. heh. so im listening to the ladder 49 soundtrack. XD. but that movie is actually sad. ergh. sad movies kill my buzz. b u z z k i l l. lol. so tim slept over last night... interesting. nate and evan were over earlier. it was fun i guess. they are an odd pair of kids. lol. them + boredom + nerf guns + my window = woww. lollerss. hmm. now O Town is on... olddd. that remindss me of Jacy's party. when i was dancing with Evan, and Ricky was dancing with Jacy, and me and Ricky were singing to eachother. rofl copter. lol. im gonna stop writing pointless blogs. theyre pointless. and stupid.

hmm.

xoxo.

secret #2- my tongue is sharp, but your stares hurt more.

asdfghjkl. ergh. i hate my life. lol. jk. <3

skfjgeklt.

evan's here. were having a party. lol. jk. so... yeah. this blog was pointless. epic. lol. really epic. bahaha. i love myself.

yay for pointless blogs.

XD

i love evann.

evan wants a mullet. like seriously? thats nasty. honkey. :P

JIZZ

secret #1- sometimes i forget to breathe.

Have I found you. Flightless bird, jealous, weeping or lost you, american mouth. Big pill looming.

a friend once told me you like someone for their promising features. you love them for their flaws.

so i guess the old saying, you cannever really appreciate something until youve lost it is true. i had a dream last night that the red car pulled up outside his house. and his mom wasnt home, so i went to see what happened. [for those of you who dont know what the "red car" stands for look it up. or watch ladder 49. not the best feeling] i wasnt thinking when i walked over there with a big smile on my face. cause like an hour earlier, he had gone on a call to a huge working house fire. and they told me. and i had never fealt so empty in my entire life. like hollow. like whatever was inside of me keeping me together just perished. and i fell apart. again. it was the worst feeling of my life. it was just a dream but it fealt so real. and i cried. and cried. once i stopped i was just an empty body. sitting on my porch with nothing to live for anymore. it was horrible. im glad i woke up. thats all. im glad i woke up. and im glad he is at the mall with his mommy. im glad.

i love him. more then my life.

are you sad because youre on your own?

so my day has been amazing. beyond words. like almost nothing bad happened bad today. at all. accept for a little head ache. which was not too bad. i got into school and i was with evan til the bell rang. then i went to class, slept, and chilled. i saw him between all my classes. it was happy making. then he stayed with me @ chorus. it was adorable. melly was trying to get him to go over to her, and i mimed a lasso and pulled him to me. it was so cute. then on the ride home, we sat together, and jazmin goes, "you two are so cute together." i know. we really are. i love him so much... but back to my day. we got home, and i chilled at his house for a hot secondm then he walked me home and chilled for a minute. we kissed. alot. like hook up kisses. it was breath taking. when im with him like that, the rest of the world doesnt exist. its like all my problems, fears, pains, and worries melt away. it was never like that with seth. this is really great. like amazingly great. i wouldnt trade it for anything other then for him to have more time with his dad. that is seriously the only thing i would give this up for. not gonna lie. he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

But we loved with a love that was more than love

did you know that its a man law to NEVER bring your girlfriend hunting? its bad luck... pft. notttt.

so this morning evan walks out to his couch and says "your 7 minutes late waking up" and i just sort of rolled over groggily until i saw his face. oh my god. waking up to him was glorious. i love him so much... but anyways. i woke up. at 4 AM. and got dressed. evan made a breakfast casserole and bryan [our escort for the day] came over and we ate. evan spilled his milk. it was so cute. then we left.

we drove out to the middle of nowhere. and set ourselves up in a ground blind. basically a camo tent. evan had his gun. i had my glove warmers. lol. we sat for 2 hours. and saw NOTHING. we got bored like the last half hour so we started goofing off. i kept knocking his hat sideways. and it looked so adorable. i was so upset that the camera on my phone was broken. we were making a lot of noise none the less. and then bryan came to get us, and we went to wawa.

we were in wawa, and we were getting coffee. some creeper guy walks up and starts talking to us [i guess he thought all hunters are friends, and we were both wearing camo and orange]. and evans like freakin out cause hes like creepin all over the world. but we get out coffee and go to this guys house.

@ his house, we met up with a bunch of guys that were joining our expedition. we all loaded up and went into the middle of nowhere again.

we were "driving" this time. thats when a few guys walk through the woods making a butt load of noise and scare the deer into running towards the standers [the guys that are waiting to shoot them] me and evan were standers all day. though he didnt shoot anything.

i was like his counter part. i moved in perfect allignment with him all day. never left his side. bryan and this other fellow both bagged a buck each, and i got to see them, all cut open and what not.

after that we went back and ate lunch, and i came home... while evan went back out again. i have work, otherwise i would still be with him.

So I sneak out to the garden to see you. We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew. So close your eyes, escape this town for a little while.

hmph. saturday will be the deciding point of my entire life. im going hunting with evan. erm. that should be interesting. i just know that il find a way to screw it up. im ashley. i always do. il like sneeze or something. or have to pee. lol. that would be me.

hmm.

i love you.

alott.

XD

so ricky slept over evans house last night. it was only there for like 5 minutes after work and already i was the subject of conversation. ricky gave me a hug and i think he may have bruised one or two of my ribs... evan is so cute. he like begged me to stay all night. he said he would trade ricky for me. i was like awww. but i couldnt do that to ricky. he loves evan almost as much as i do. theyre like brothers. im really curious as to what he may have said to him last night... hmm.

i have no voice left. at all. i sound like a dying bird. remember when ricky called me song bird? well this song bird DIED. lol. wow.

so i had work last night. it was crazy. i was outside in the snow at a table selling cocoa and hot dogs and baked goods to cold shoppers at this little shopping village. it was fun til i went numb. then i kept ripping the buns and spilling the cocoa. lol. we did good though. we got $3.15 in tips. thats more then i thought we would make, seeing as how we began the night without a tip jar. one of the customers told us we needed one and donated the first dollar. she was so cute. lol.

i cant believe i was able to drag my butt outta bed this early. i just really couldnt lay there anymore. i miss evan. alot. because he lives across the street, we spend hours on end together EVERYDAY. and yesterday i saw him for 5 minutes and i was too cold and wet to look cute. so. that was a fail meeting.

ugh. my head hurts. i cut the top of my head open when i was playing hide and go seek with evan and caitlynn. its gross. ontop of that, i think im catching a cold. ergh. not good. not good at all.

super long blog cominnn at youu.

okay so i havnt posted in a long time. and i miss you bloggy. my life has been hectic. amazing. heartbreaking. gut wrenching. and any other stupid adjectives that you would normally never use. seth got his ex pregnant while he was still going out with me. shes due july 29th. ugh. that makes me sick. this guy greg wants to punch me in the face for being mean to seth. alot of people hate me for breaking up with him. but you know what... he deserves it. HE CHEATED ON ME! so im not even going to let them tick me off. they can go pound sand. right where the sun doesnt shine.... ricky is still as annoyingly helpful as ever. he is always right. its disgusting. im getting better with my singing. he wants me to sing with his band at rock for cancer. im debating. jazz band is off at a galloping pace. it should be a good season. because i get to sit next to alex. hmm. alex. lol.

darn me. i cant be saying stuff like that anymore. im not a single woman anymore. me and evan. did the expected. everyone knew it was going to happen sooner or later. especially when we stopped sitting thee and making up excuses why we weren't together. but now we are. all is right in the world i asume. i just love him so much. everything is right about him. he doesnt lose his temper, even when i make stupid little ashley mistakes. he gets along famously with my family. hes a fire fighter. he has his life on track. hes clean [i mean drug free of course.] hes so sweet. he knows how to laugh at me. and himself. hes almost as goofy as me. we have very different tastes, but i think we compliment eachother. he has amazing taste in music. he is in band with me. he knows when to just let me be. he loves being with me. he knows when to defend me and when to let me fight my own battles. hes not gross. he waits for me. he makes brownies with me. he hugs me alot. he helps me forget about seth. he understands everything. we do fun stuff together. it doesnt take too much to make him happy. he lives across the street. he loves how silly i am. he gets along with my impossible dad. his laugh is adorable. hes up for suggestions. his best friends are my best friends. he never makes a mountain out of a mole hill. he makes me keep my promises. to myself. he tells me when im annoying. he laughs at me when i get mad over stupid stuff. these are the days. we are perfect for eachother. i love it. it makes me happy. very very happy.

im in a great mood. i have work later. hes at work now. we have conflicting schedules today. but we can handle it. he was at my house til like 10:30 last night. so im sure we can stand a little break. dont want to smother eachother i suppose. :]

The turtle wished that it could fly really high into the sky over rooftops and then dive deep into the sea,

i love that i used to open every single blog with a few lines from a good song. and going back now, reading my old blogs, they all really meant something to me that day. i love how smart i am.

im pretty sure its real... just saying.

dragalchemist: Your a virgin hun you have never had the feeling of the sweet elixir pour through your body,

dragalchemist: Like Pringles, once you pop you can't stop.

hes like the big brother god didnt give me. i love that kid to death. bahahahah.

bahahahahaha.

"I hold it true,what'er befall;I feel it, when I sorrow most;'Tis better to have loved and lostThan never to have loved at all."

"Are you ready to cut off your head and place your foot on it? If so, come; Love awaits you! Love is not grown in a garden, nor sold in the marketplace; whether you are a king or a servant, the price is your head, and nothing less. Yes, the cost of the elixir of love is your head! Do you hesitate? 0 miser, It is cheap at that price!"

"Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so."

"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within."

"All the pictures that hung in my memory before I knew you have faded and given place to our radient moments together. Now I cannot live apart from you...Your words are my food, your breath my wine. You are everything to me. "

"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.I love thee to the depth and breadth and heightMy soul can reach, when feeling out of sightFor the ends of Being and ideal Grace.I love thee to the level of every day'sMost quiet need; by sun and candle-light.I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.I love thee with the passion put to useIn my old griefs, and with my childhood's faithI love thee with a love I seemed to loseWith my lost saints,--I love thee with the breath.Smiles, tears, of all my life!--and, if God choose,I shall but love thee better after death."

"Grow old along with me!The best is yet to be,The last of life, for which the first was made:Our times are in his hand Who saith,“A whole I planned, Youth shows but half;trust God: see all, nor be afraid!'' "

i love being in love. its such a wonderful feeling. as great as knowing that the object of my affection loves me back equally if not more then i am capable of. i love waking up every morning and knowing that i have someone to think about unshamefully. and that someone is thinking of me. knowing that im on someones mind is as satistfying. im content with how i am. and im alright with not changing.

so today should really test my self control. its just going to be me and cory all day... unless evan graces us with his presence. and usually whenever its just us 2, we fight nonstop. so it could either go really well or terribbly bad. we will see.

yesterday was horrible. me and my padre got into a little argument which led to him screaming at me and telling me to pack my bags and not come back. and i was so mad that i was like "my pleasure." two words that i will never get to take back. i really hope this doesnt turn out like the movies where people have this stupid hate for their fathers and then feel like crap when they die and they havn't made up. i really pray that he doesnt let it get that far. only time will tell.

"some people are just needed. whether its to keep sanity or to scare away normality."

my total secondary carbon footprint is 2.13 tonnes of CO2.

so im in the library. and today is my last day here for the week. and so im not doing any work. at all. its happy-making. i love free time. not really.

free time gives me too much of an oppurtunity to think about things that shouldn't have happened. things that are killing me from the inside out. its horrible. how some people just dont think about how their actions may effect someone else. it may hurt them. it may lead them to doing things that shouldn't be done.

so im sitting in the library. and im done my weekly packet. and bill bill is here now. its actually pretty fun. he is actually very entertaining. he makes me laugh. lol. and seth ale was here earlier. that was interesting too. like hoards of people just crowd around him. its hilarious. jamie as jst like "ill give myself the last 25 minutes of my day to reflect." bahaha. shes so funny. class is almost over. bill bill just decided he did enough for the day. it was cute. you had to have been here. 

im gonna go. 

(:

hes a rainbow haired, goat faced, friend network hating, flaming piece of CRAP.

just had to get that off my chest.

i LOVE marissa moreee.

asdfghjkl.

pointless blog.

evan's here. bored. gonna watch a moovieee. come visit us. (:

heh. sexualnt. [marissa]

i miss the still of your silence as you breath out and i breath in.

so im okay with where i am right now. i think im in a good place. a comfortable place. im not sure im ready to leave yet. to change any aspect of my daily life. its comforting, normality that is. i know that ince i get really used to how things are something is going to change. i cant just be average. thats not how it works. but thats okay. heres hoping the good things will remain same.



so i kind of want to improve my vocabulary. like idk, broaden my horizon. for lack of a better phrase, sound smarter. cause i realized last night that i talk like a dumb blond. and i dont think im dumb...? heh. whatever.



its raining. thats bad.

rickys party later.

should be fun.



for the moment, gonna try to chill with the bestie.

"I wanna be a professional basketball player. They get all the ladies." -Jarret.

going to marissas.

peace nukkah.

OBAMA!

"I was so happy this morning because i was with you the whole time. I really wanted to kiss you..."

"I made a song for you a long long time ago, and I never let you see it because i was way to scared to have to sing it to you."

"I loved holding your hands, and I loved just being with you."

so what's high school without some really cute boy always on your mind...

"...you make me ponder upon the endless sky..."

i am in a good place right now. it just needs a little TLC. 

so i think its cute when big boys "talk" to me. theyre so adorable. they make me smilee. and then when they get all possessive. its really cute. chubby kids are adorablee. their little rolls. and their huge toothy grins. i just want to dunk them in coffee. heh.

but seriously. hes such a cutie pants. and hes so sweet. i would LOVE to get to know him better. i think we would be cute. reall cute. and hes a baseball player. zomg. and hes nice. and just wow.

if youre not the one then why does your name resound in my head?

so sometimes i want him to forget about me. and move on. but i know that if i see him with anyone else that it wil literally kill me. i know. im so selfish. and greedy. and horrible. but i cant help it. ugh.

sometimes i wish life was fair.

"You sat me down beside myself. To show me all the reasons I was wrong for you. Was this for real? It's hard to tell' Cause it was such a beautiful mess we had got into. I'm gonna overcome this, paper hearts can't win this time. And all along I should have known this wasn't your dream, it was mine. I know you wanted me to give up this life to be everything I was back when you had the hands my heart was in. I was never good at goodbye..."

1. j' mappelle ashley.



2. i love my life.



3. he defines perfection.



4. my friends are better then yours.



5. i cant stand liars.



6. i still make [and keep] pinky promises.



7. i want someone to write me a song.



8. i hate when people try to tell me i cant.



9. my sister is my life.



10. il cut you in 984768936 pieces if you screw with her.



11. i love goorrdd music.



12. evan is my best best b e s t friend.



13. hes a firefighter.



14. my ex boyfriend has a hate club.



15. i love my fatty cakes.



16. my town is too small for my huge dreams.



17. i dont like to sit at home.



18. alot of people dont like me.



19. im brutally honest.



20. i sometimes let people walk all over me.



21. im easily intimidated.



22. i dont fight.



23. at all.



24. im a foodie.



25. i cant stand president bush.



26. if i wasnt such a chicken id assasinate him myself.



27. i get attached too easily.



28. i love some peoples natural scent.



29. i like to cuddle.



30. its easy to gain my trust.



31. but it is also easy to lose it.



32. i have alot of respect for myself,



33. think about that before you talk to me.



34. i wont talk to people who i know are mean to other people.



35. i practice what i preach.



36. ill tell you if i dont like you



37. but i wont always tell you that i like you.



38. im easy to read.



39. im also impossible to understand.



40. im easily entertained.



41. i have an extremely high attention span.



42. im pretty book smart.



43. i have no common sense.



44. thats what evan's for.



45. i <3>
    
    
46. i sometimes make up stupid raps.



47. i love the color yellow.



48. im usually in a pretty goord mood.



49. i love parties.



50. im usually the life of them.



51. im in the band.



52. i play mallets.



53. im scared of the dark.



54. i like cold weather.



55. i used to have a crush on brad pitt.



56. i love britney spears.



57. i make up words.



58. trillz. [thats not one i made up]



59. i think asians are cute.



60. i hate cleaning my room.



61. i love guitar hero.



62. its a fact, that i love hellogoodbye.



63. i dont cheat.



64. its easy to break my heart.



65. when i say "i love you" i mean it.



66. dont say it back if you dont.



67. ill respect you more if you dont say it back then if you lie.



68. im bad at telling if youre lying.



69. my friends are protective.



70. some are violent.



71. watch your back.



72. i love concerts.



73. my sister cuts my hair.



74. i like my eyes.



75. im not serious, ever.



76. im probably really mean.



77. ricky is my gaurdian angel.



78. i love looking at the clouds.



79. my bed is giant.



80. i love to color.



81. my best friend lives across the street.



82. sometimes me and my parents fight.



83. nick is my favorite little failure.



84. i always lose the right half of a pair of shoes.



85. i want to learn how to play guitar, really well.



86. ricky is a guitar god.



87. hes actually really good at alot of things.



88. [like making my heart race]



89. my screen name is ashl3ymcmuffin



90. im white chocolate.



91. my little brother has bucked teeth.



92. everyone i know is prejudice.



93. im not creative.



94. i love music. so much.



95. i miss moo moo.



96. i used to be a ballerina.



97. im not that cool anymore.



98. my left knee needs to be slaughtered.



99. i would bet $394679060347068 that evan wants to come over, right now.



100. people dont take me seriously.



101. i love you. :D

"Well, I guess it would be nice. If I could touch your body. I know not everybody has got a body like you."

so sometimes i just really want to lick his skin off. like not even kidding. i just want him all to myself. no one else to barder with. no one to reckon with. nothing holding me back. thats all i want. its not much right? just one minute alone with him, without obstacles. and i can prove im worth it. like not just worth "it" but worth everything. i want to be worth his everything. ugh. dam my life. i hate obstacles. right now there is a huge wall between us. hopefully, soon enough, he'll realize that he is the only one that can tear it down. i just wish that i could show him, teach him how he has that power. i just dont want to ruin it for myself and stick my nose where it doesnt belong. i know in the end ill end up either screwing everything up miserably, or getting exactly what i wanted.

i guess exactly what i said wouldnt happen, happened.

im falling.

a-freaking-gain.

so i stole ricky's hoodie at the halloween party. it smells really gooorrdd. i would tell you about the party but there are alot of details that shouldnt be made public. like things i would LOVE to brag about. but cant. all i can really say is that i ended up laying in crap. literally. all thanks to my best friend ricky. yeah. best friend. we'll go with that. :/

idk.

If I must be defeated to be blessed,

Don't marvel that one,

naked and alone,

should prove a prisoner of an armored knight.

I hate to see you cry. Lying there in that position. There's things you need to hear. So turn off your tears. And listen. Pain throws your heart to the ground. Love turns the whole thing around. No it won't all go the way. It should. But I know the heart of life is good

sp some people, no matter their gender, or age, or relationship, just change your life. and he did that. he made me a better person. he tought me how to appreciate the little things. how to make the best out of a bad situation. and most of all he tought me how to really be a friend. he showed me that i shouldnt be ashamed of my mistakes. but rather learn from them. be proud to know you wont make them again. he tought me how to accept advice. and i learned on my own to listen. no matter how stupid it sounds. because of him, im in a really good mood 98% of the time. he just really makes me wanna be happy. i think its because he just loves it so much when im myself. my giddy, bubbly, self. and i just really wanted to thank him for that. for being there. even when i was as low as low can be. and i just want him to know, that no matter how bad he messes up, he could kill someone, ill always be there for him. il defend him til i die. and trust me, il die trying. i wish i was as much of a good person as he. seriously. we could all learn a thing or two from him.

600 feet from door to door.

i hate you so much. i want you to fucking kill yourself. you dont, and never did, deserve my trust. or my undying love. which i was stupid enough to give you. its bad enough you cheated on me with her physically. but to cheat on me with my cousin. to tell her you loved her. and you wanted her to have your kids and shit. what the hell were you thinking you condescending ass. i should have fucking known. once a cheating bastard always a cheating bastard. i gave up a lot for you. i sacrificed a lot to make you happy. no fucking more. im gonna date like a guy now. im not getting attached anymore. no way. and that THIRD chance you asked for. not gonna fucking happen. go fucking die you dumb ass monkey. i hate you. i cant believe i didnt listen to her. goddammit.

seth chew is a cheater. and not worth anyones time. just saying.

We do not quit playing because we grow old. We grow old because we quit playing.

"You think the only people who are people, are the people who look and think like you. But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger, you'll learn things you never knew you never knew."

"I don't scratch my head unless it itches and I do not dance unless I hear some music. I will not be intimidated."

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

“I'm sure you have some cosmic rationale, but here you are with your faith and your Peter Pan advice.”

ugh. so i just really wish i was creative. in any sense of the word. im so not. i dont have a creative bone in my body. i fail. i cant write poems or stories. i cant draw or paint. i cant sing or compose music. i can dance, but all that is, is combining moves people have already used. so not original.

so  being single is deff not as bad as it seems. flirting is actually pretty fun. i like it alot. accept when guys take it way too far and think you actually like love them. then its messy. but seriously. i now see most guys totally different. like im realizing that there are a lot more adorable guys around here then i thought.  and its pleasurable. i love being able to tell guys that they're cute without worrying about being qq'ed at by a boyfriend. i loveee it. 

so the princes of whales. woah. they're freakin cuties. they are so darn hot. i want to lick their skin off. heh.

so im in the library. at school. cause i have a medical excuse i cant to gym. so i have to sit in here and do a packet of work every week. accept i finished my work yesterday. so i have a free period. baller. :]

im gonna go try to find something entertaining to do with my free hour. 

peace.

i cant stand this anymore. i love him. so much. but i hate him to death. i really want him to just leave me alone. im done with all the drama he brings. and all the pain he caused. i dont care if you did what she said you did. its just that she said it. drama. i dont want it, nor do i need it. i just want to be happy. and this is really bringing me down. i kept my mouth shut for so long. not anymore. its over. done. for good.

i swear.

even if it kills me.

so i'm  in 4th block. and because i have a medical excuse, i have to sit in the library and do work. but i get to chill today cause i might be getting out tomorrow. which is super exciting.

so i have something to tell all of you. i'm back with seth. and happy as ever. and me and evan are just friends. and i didn't cheat on seth or evan. just to clear up anything you may be hearing about me.

another thing... i don't dislike seth's ex girlfriend. she dislikes me. i don't want to fight her. and i don't have any "beef" with her. i trust seth enough to not believe any of the rumors that i hear about him. and i love him to the ends of the universe. so dont try to convince me otherwise. because i'm not stupid. and i can see through your bull. fyi.

i'm not giving up this time. and you cant change my mind.

<3

and i would give you everything just to feel your open arms.

so i love those really romantic kisses in old movies. where theres a big crecendo in the music and the whole world freezes. the train that theyre on could be about to run off a broken bridge and everyone could be dying but in that moment the world is right. everything is going to be okay. its not one of those fake kisses that dont mean anything. its one of those kisses that say "i love you to the end of the earth and back" without words. those are the good kind. i know. im a stupid little girl. but i want one. a real one. from him. not anyone else. just him. only him. and im sorry. that it probably will never happen. but im praying.

hopefully.

iloveyou.

i've had the rest of you. now i want the best of you. i dont care if that's not fair.

would i walk through hell and not think twice. baby i would. baby i will.

so im on an OTown trip. i love them so much. they describe my life.

now im listening to Give Me Shelter by The Rolling Stones. that makes me happy too. im just in a killer good mood today. like a reallllyyyy goooorrrddd mood. i have to play at the game tonight. its okay. cause i loveee playing. zomg. after football's over, seth is doing concert band! holy cow am i excited. hehe. so i stayed home yesterday. and i slept til like noon. then evan called my house from his chemistry class and said he missed me and wanted to check up on me. hes like a really protective big brother :] it makes me smilee. i feel 1000000x better. like im freaking hyper as crap. i got up half an hour early today. thats right. i got up at 4:30AM. i know right.

its not too cold out today. which should be goord. its the start of the rosenhayne harvest festival. which should be orgasmic.

now im of consenting age to be forgetting you in a cabaret somewhere downtown. where a burlesque queen may ask my name.

i have a football game on halloween. ughh. im so not happy. but we get to wear costumes on the field. which is pretty raddd. im gonna be either a super hero or a rapper. i was a pimp last year. but oh well. im probably gonna wear a clock necklace and a gangster ring and my money necklace. it should be cute. im excited.

suhhxczftgdfghkdjzrhtilshzrgthzserth

iloveyousomuch

woahh

and your broken voice is quivering.

and all the words we never say come out.

and theres no sense in playing games.

so one day im going to run away with him. and we are never going to come back. and we are going to be together. always. and things are going to be okay then. they'll be fine.

so yesterday[saturday] we had our first band competetion of the season. my first ever. and woah do i have alot to write about. okay so on the bus ride there, i sat with evan and jen. across from kyleeee. that was interesting in its self. kyle brought a blueberry muffin and we were nomming on that. and we were making a mess. so we finally got to the school. and we all had to pee. so we went in. and i got into a fight with the hand dryer. and then kyle was like "the bathrooms are huge" and i was like eh. but then we got out hands stamped. and the paint took forever to dry and me and kyle hit ours together and they smeared everywhere. so our like who hands were purple. then we went and got out instruments and got dressed and whatnot. i was really nervous so chris porch tought me how to breath correctly. which kept me occupied. then we went on. and woah did we blow them out of the water. after, we went back to the bus and got changed. i guess kyle was having issues getting his uniform pants off so he goes "ashley, can you get my pants off" and because im such a band geek i didnt think anything of it. so i "took kyles pants off." it was pretty funny once i realized it. then we went to sit in the stands. some of the other bands were so good me and per were almost crying. and we were the only band where pit had their own cheer. we were amazing. probably why we won our first #1 spot in 5 years. since my aunt graduated to be exact. its cause the bloods back in the band. :D

so im gonna start earlier yesterday. i got home from band and my dad calls. he was on his way to go pick up the little siblings from school. he was on this tiny back street and his motor blew. he was like "sam and devon need to be picked up" so i took cait [the babe] over to evans with me and asked his mom if she could go get them. but she wouldnt be allowed to pick them up because shes not on the card. so we went and got my dad and she took him up to get them and me and cait sat with the car. inside. with the doors locked. and later, after all this, cory called and flipped because of it all. when he got home we got into it and he walked in screaming and hitting things. i flipped and went into defense mode. and i ended up leaving. so now i dont know where im staying tonight cause my dad said i wasnt allowed to stay here. ughh. damn my life.

justgothehellaway.

ive been at evans all day. theyre like my surrogate family. i have no idea what id do without them. i love all of them so much. you have no idea.

i miss seth. alot. :/

"There must be a great deal of good in a man who could love a child so much." -Gone With The Wind

"I cannot raise a kid and teach him how to lie. I can't raise a kid and teach him how to hide things. I can't raise a kid and teach him how to keep secrets. And at the same time i don't ever want to raise him in an environment where it's not okay for him to be exactly who he is. No matter what." -Clay Aiken

i really wish every person on the planet was as loving and as honest as Clay Aiken. he really is an amazing person. he is someone that makes me want to be a better person. and thats big. how he handles himself is very admirable. how he knows that this is not going to affect only him but his loved ones relationship with other people. and how he isnt trying to push people to accept him. he really is breath taking. and i love him.

i know you'll act as a clever medicine.

so i really want to tell you something. but im not sure what. i want it to mean something. i want it to move you. shake you. but i cant. the words wont form. it needs to be great. i want it to open with a bang. have the trappings of a fairytale. and close to your satisfaction. i want it to be proof that im capable of something. that im useful. that im not wasted. i want you to read it when you cant sleep and i want it to lull you into comfort. i want it to be true. and pure. and beautiful. and serene. i want so badly for you to love it. to praise it. to enjoy it. i want it to be a reference. i want all of the words to be what you want to hear. i want to do great.

i need you to listen first.

hey jude. dont make it bad. take a sad song and make it better.

so that line decribes my life right now. im making everything better. slowly. very slowly. its gonna take me a long time. a very long time. but eventually it will all be back in place. where it needs to be. il make amends. and sew up wounds. today is the day my life begins again. im gonna re-do everything. and im going to do it right. really right. like no mistakes. well not as many. hopefully. im going to try. really hard. and pay attention. and not go back on my word. im going to stop and look around before i make my decision. and then it will be final. hopefully.

hopefully.

yeah right.

We don't even talk any more. We don't even know what we argue about. Don't even say 'I love you' no more'. Cause saying how we feel is no longer allowed. Some people work things out. And some just don't know how to change.

so i hate when i am faced with an ultimatum. one that i know needs to me made. and whatever i choose im losing someone. its a horrible feeling. one that literally makes me sick. how can any one person make a decision like that. so ive done some things in my past im not proud of. we all have a couple chains. i dont wear mine proudly but im not going to deny any one deed. i dont understand how one person can change me so much. make me want to be better. at everything. and its horrible that i fail at it.

is it horrible that i still shiver when i hear your voice? that when you even brush my arm the hairs on the back of my neck stand straight? when i see you i get butterflies? when i think about you my heart is almost in my mouth? if it is then kill me because i like being horrible.

then you look at me and i always see what i have been searching for. im lost as can be. then you look at me. and i am not lost anymore.

i just wish it was still like 3rd grade when things were simple. not so complicated. not so entailed. i wish i could keep my dam mouth shut.

iloveyou.

and i have no idea why.

yeah you got that something.

so i hate it when your trying to move on but the person your moving away from is unforgettable. they just make it impossible for you to make decisions. and its killer. it sometimes hurts to think that someone could control you like that. you just cant leave them behind. and its bad. and you know it. and you want to be able to fix it. and you cant. i dont even know how it got this bad. its never been like this before. not at all. but its not as horrible as people make it seem. its warming. but i know that it will come back and hurt me in the end.

never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting. -Peter Pan.

iloveyou.

but im gonna lie about it.

she didnt know he wouldnt come back. he died from the bullet of a gun.

and when you see only one set of footprints it is then that i carried you.

so today should be fun. im going to a bike run with evan hopefully. me. evan. and some bikers. :]

im looking ahead. with no obstructions.

but something happened for the very first time with you.

my heart mealts into the ground found something good.

so i havent posted in like a million years. me and seth are over. its a long story. you probably dont want to hear. so ima skip it. im now going to homecoming with evan. hes pretty radd. we chilled last night. watched Ladder 49 [which made me cry] and The Forsaken. It was so adorable. He kept texting me. lol. It was fun. :]

Maybe things will all work out for me in the end. I just really hope so. Im pray for it every night.

a new day.

i miss you so much that it hurts me. is that bad? that it kills me to even think about you? its been too long. way too long. i guess i was lying to myself when i said i didnt love you.

shutyourfuckingmouth.

so my first day as a freshman was pretty sucky. i lost my schedule. i didnt know like anyone in like any of my classes. i didnt know where my classes were. dude the highlights of my day were the beginning of band gym and lunch. all cause of ricky. he doesnt bring drama. idk. he gets me. and i appreciate how he keeps his mouth shut when he knows its better for me. even if i begg him to tell me. thats a good quality.

im really sick. we played outside in band today. for 3 hours. and i was wearing jeans and 2 shirts. and sneakers. and i had no water, only soda. im so sick to my stomach right now. ugh.

i hope it gets better. i really do.

iloveyou.

p.s. seths injured. :[

dont fear the reaper.

baby come inside.

so ricky's coming over later. im really excited. like REALLY excited. we are gonna have like a lot of fun.

we start school tomorrow. hah. freshman year. im really excited. im not sure why but im not nervous at all. probably cause band. ;]

my first day outfit is so adorable. its a florida gators tee and skinnies and my new shoes. :]]

iloveyou

p.s. seths b-day is tuesday XD

youre so cute you dont have to say a word.

joey misses his light board.

band ended an hour early. which made me sad. but it wasnt the same cause ricky wasnt there. it was boring. no one to mess with. hmm. im probably going shopping for shoes later. not really looking forward to it. going with daddy. not fun. hes so pushy. and mean. it kills a mood.

so today completely sucked. seths mom almost took him away from me. i had the panick attack of a lifetime. it was all because seth didnt feel like going to football. ugh.

someday im gonna go far away. and you wont be able to find me.

iloveyou

Can I swallow this bottle whole? So this brain in my head can forget your face.

so i really hate it when the world just wont let you forget someone. it kills me. that stupid things that should even bother me remind me of you. the street we used to walk my dog on. the shoes you picked out. the smell you had. the songs you sang. the look in your eyes. your laugh. sometimes, il be sitting in a crowded room, and a man will laugh. and it will sound like you. then i get that little glimmer of hope. but in the end i know im only fooling myself. who am i kidding. youre gone for good. so its probably better that youre gone.

iloveyou.

but you know.

i didnt know it was supposed to be this hard. that it was like an uphill battle. one that no matter how much you fight, you can never win. no matter how strong you think you are. it always breaks you down. it always exposes you. exposes how weak you really are. the walls you worked so hard to build are just shattered like paper. and all you can do is sit there and watch it fall. watch your life crumble. and it kills you. to know that youre taking the ones you love down with you. its your burden. and somehow it always gets handed off. its never going to be over.

i love you.

and im sorry that it kills me.