"There must be a great deal of good in a man who could love a child so much." -Gone With The Wind

"I cannot raise a kid and teach him how to lie. I can't raise a kid and teach him how to hide things. I can't raise a kid and teach him how to keep secrets. And at the same time i don't ever want to raise him in an environment where it's not okay for him to be exactly who he is. No matter what." -Clay Aiken

i really wish every person on the planet was as loving and as honest as Clay Aiken. he really is an amazing person. he is someone that makes me want to be a better person. and thats big. how he handles himself is very admirable. how he knows that this is not going to affect only him but his loved ones relationship with other people. and how he isnt trying to push people to accept him. he really is breath taking. and i love him.

i know you'll act as a clever medicine.

so i really want to tell you something. but im not sure what. i want it to mean something. i want it to move you. shake you. but i cant. the words wont form. it needs to be great. i want it to open with a bang. have the trappings of a fairytale. and close to your satisfaction. i want it to be proof that im capable of something. that im useful. that im not wasted. i want you to read it when you cant sleep and i want it to lull you into comfort. i want it to be true. and pure. and beautiful. and serene. i want so badly for you to love it. to praise it. to enjoy it. i want it to be a reference. i want all of the words to be what you want to hear. i want to do great.

i need you to listen first.

hey jude. dont make it bad. take a sad song and make it better.

so that line decribes my life right now. im making everything better. slowly. very slowly. its gonna take me a long time. a very long time. but eventually it will all be back in place. where it needs to be. il make amends. and sew up wounds. today is the day my life begins again. im gonna re-do everything. and im going to do it right. really right. like no mistakes. well not as many. hopefully. im going to try. really hard. and pay attention. and not go back on my word. im going to stop and look around before i make my decision. and then it will be final. hopefully.

hopefully.

yeah right.

We don't even talk any more. We don't even know what we argue about. Don't even say 'I love you' no more'. Cause saying how we feel is no longer allowed. Some people work things out. And some just don't know how to change.

so i hate when i am faced with an ultimatum. one that i know needs to me made. and whatever i choose im losing someone. its a horrible feeling. one that literally makes me sick. how can any one person make a decision like that. so ive done some things in my past im not proud of. we all have a couple chains. i dont wear mine proudly but im not going to deny any one deed. i dont understand how one person can change me so much. make me want to be better. at everything. and its horrible that i fail at it.

is it horrible that i still shiver when i hear your voice? that when you even brush my arm the hairs on the back of my neck stand straight? when i see you i get butterflies? when i think about you my heart is almost in my mouth? if it is then kill me because i like being horrible.

then you look at me and i always see what i have been searching for. im lost as can be. then you look at me. and i am not lost anymore.

i just wish it was still like 3rd grade when things were simple. not so complicated. not so entailed. i wish i could keep my dam mouth shut.

iloveyou.

and i have no idea why.

yeah you got that something.

so i hate it when your trying to move on but the person your moving away from is unforgettable. they just make it impossible for you to make decisions. and its killer. it sometimes hurts to think that someone could control you like that. you just cant leave them behind. and its bad. and you know it. and you want to be able to fix it. and you cant. i dont even know how it got this bad. its never been like this before. not at all. but its not as horrible as people make it seem. its warming. but i know that it will come back and hurt me in the end.

never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting. -Peter Pan.

iloveyou.

but im gonna lie about it.

she didnt know he wouldnt come back. he died from the bullet of a gun.

and when you see only one set of footprints it is then that i carried you.

so today should be fun. im going to a bike run with evan hopefully. me. evan. and some bikers. :]

im looking ahead. with no obstructions.

but something happened for the very first time with you.

my heart mealts into the ground found something good.

so i havent posted in like a million years. me and seth are over. its a long story. you probably dont want to hear. so ima skip it. im now going to homecoming with evan. hes pretty radd. we chilled last night. watched Ladder 49 [which made me cry] and The Forsaken. It was so adorable. He kept texting me. lol. It was fun. :]

Maybe things will all work out for me in the end. I just really hope so. Im pray for it every night.

a new day.

i miss you so much that it hurts me. is that bad? that it kills me to even think about you? its been too long. way too long. i guess i was lying to myself when i said i didnt love you.

shutyourfuckingmouth.

so my first day as a freshman was pretty sucky. i lost my schedule. i didnt know like anyone in like any of my classes. i didnt know where my classes were. dude the highlights of my day were the beginning of band gym and lunch. all cause of ricky. he doesnt bring drama. idk. he gets me. and i appreciate how he keeps his mouth shut when he knows its better for me. even if i begg him to tell me. thats a good quality.

im really sick. we played outside in band today. for 3 hours. and i was wearing jeans and 2 shirts. and sneakers. and i had no water, only soda. im so sick to my stomach right now. ugh.

i hope it gets better. i really do.

iloveyou.

p.s. seths injured. :[

dont fear the reaper.

baby come inside.

so ricky's coming over later. im really excited. like REALLY excited. we are gonna have like a lot of fun.

we start school tomorrow. hah. freshman year. im really excited. im not sure why but im not nervous at all. probably cause band. ;]

my first day outfit is so adorable. its a florida gators tee and skinnies and my new shoes. :]]

iloveyou

p.s. seths b-day is tuesday XD

youre so cute you dont have to say a word.

joey misses his light board.

band ended an hour early. which made me sad. but it wasnt the same cause ricky wasnt there. it was boring. no one to mess with. hmm. im probably going shopping for shoes later. not really looking forward to it. going with daddy. not fun. hes so pushy. and mean. it kills a mood.

so today completely sucked. seths mom almost took him away from me. i had the panick attack of a lifetime. it was all because seth didnt feel like going to football. ugh.

someday im gonna go far away. and you wont be able to find me.

iloveyou

Can I swallow this bottle whole? So this brain in my head can forget your face.

so i really hate it when the world just wont let you forget someone. it kills me. that stupid things that should even bother me remind me of you. the street we used to walk my dog on. the shoes you picked out. the smell you had. the songs you sang. the look in your eyes. your laugh. sometimes, il be sitting in a crowded room, and a man will laugh. and it will sound like you. then i get that little glimmer of hope. but in the end i know im only fooling myself. who am i kidding. youre gone for good. so its probably better that youre gone.

iloveyou.

but you know.