If I must be defeated to be blessed,

Don't marvel that one,

naked and alone,

should prove a prisoner of an armored knight.

I hate to see you cry. Lying there in that position. There's things you need to hear. So turn off your tears. And listen. Pain throws your heart to the ground. Love turns the whole thing around. No it won't all go the way. It should. But I know the heart of life is good

sp some people, no matter their gender, or age, or relationship, just change your life. and he did that. he made me a better person. he tought me how to appreciate the little things. how to make the best out of a bad situation. and most of all he tought me how to really be a friend. he showed me that i shouldnt be ashamed of my mistakes. but rather learn from them. be proud to know you wont make them again. he tought me how to accept advice. and i learned on my own to listen. no matter how stupid it sounds. because of him, im in a really good mood 98% of the time. he just really makes me wanna be happy. i think its because he just loves it so much when im myself. my giddy, bubbly, self. and i just really wanted to thank him for that. for being there. even when i was as low as low can be. and i just want him to know, that no matter how bad he messes up, he could kill someone, ill always be there for him. il defend him til i die. and trust me, il die trying. i wish i was as much of a good person as he. seriously. we could all learn a thing or two from him.

600 feet from door to door.

i hate you so much. i want you to fucking kill yourself. you dont, and never did, deserve my trust. or my undying love. which i was stupid enough to give you. its bad enough you cheated on me with her physically. but to cheat on me with my cousin. to tell her you loved her. and you wanted her to have your kids and shit. what the hell were you thinking you condescending ass. i should have fucking known. once a cheating bastard always a cheating bastard. i gave up a lot for you. i sacrificed a lot to make you happy. no fucking more. im gonna date like a guy now. im not getting attached anymore. no way. and that THIRD chance you asked for. not gonna fucking happen. go fucking die you dumb ass monkey. i hate you. i cant believe i didnt listen to her. goddammit.

seth chew is a cheater. and not worth anyones time. just saying.

We do not quit playing because we grow old. We grow old because we quit playing.

"You think the only people who are people, are the people who look and think like you. But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger, you'll learn things you never knew you never knew."

"I don't scratch my head unless it itches and I do not dance unless I hear some music. I will not be intimidated."

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

“I'm sure you have some cosmic rationale, but here you are with your faith and your Peter Pan advice.”

ugh. so i just really wish i was creative. in any sense of the word. im so not. i dont have a creative bone in my body. i fail. i cant write poems or stories. i cant draw or paint. i cant sing or compose music. i can dance, but all that is, is combining moves people have already used. so not original.

so  being single is deff not as bad as it seems. flirting is actually pretty fun. i like it alot. accept when guys take it way too far and think you actually like love them. then its messy. but seriously. i now see most guys totally different. like im realizing that there are a lot more adorable guys around here then i thought.  and its pleasurable. i love being able to tell guys that they're cute without worrying about being qq'ed at by a boyfriend. i loveee it. 

so the princes of whales. woah. they're freakin cuties. they are so darn hot. i want to lick their skin off. heh.

so im in the library. at school. cause i have a medical excuse i cant to gym. so i have to sit in here and do a packet of work every week. accept i finished my work yesterday. so i have a free period. baller. :]

im gonna go try to find something entertaining to do with my free hour. 

peace.

i cant stand this anymore. i love him. so much. but i hate him to death. i really want him to just leave me alone. im done with all the drama he brings. and all the pain he caused. i dont care if you did what she said you did. its just that she said it. drama. i dont want it, nor do i need it. i just want to be happy. and this is really bringing me down. i kept my mouth shut for so long. not anymore. its over. done. for good.

i swear.

even if it kills me.

so i'm  in 4th block. and because i have a medical excuse, i have to sit in the library and do work. but i get to chill today cause i might be getting out tomorrow. which is super exciting.

so i have something to tell all of you. i'm back with seth. and happy as ever. and me and evan are just friends. and i didn't cheat on seth or evan. just to clear up anything you may be hearing about me.

another thing... i don't dislike seth's ex girlfriend. she dislikes me. i don't want to fight her. and i don't have any "beef" with her. i trust seth enough to not believe any of the rumors that i hear about him. and i love him to the ends of the universe. so dont try to convince me otherwise. because i'm not stupid. and i can see through your bull. fyi.

i'm not giving up this time. and you cant change my mind.

<3

and i would give you everything just to feel your open arms.

so i love those really romantic kisses in old movies. where theres a big crecendo in the music and the whole world freezes. the train that theyre on could be about to run off a broken bridge and everyone could be dying but in that moment the world is right. everything is going to be okay. its not one of those fake kisses that dont mean anything. its one of those kisses that say "i love you to the end of the earth and back" without words. those are the good kind. i know. im a stupid little girl. but i want one. a real one. from him. not anyone else. just him. only him. and im sorry. that it probably will never happen. but im praying.

hopefully.

iloveyou.

i've had the rest of you. now i want the best of you. i dont care if that's not fair.

would i walk through hell and not think twice. baby i would. baby i will.

so im on an OTown trip. i love them so much. they describe my life.

now im listening to Give Me Shelter by The Rolling Stones. that makes me happy too. im just in a killer good mood today. like a reallllyyyy goooorrrddd mood. i have to play at the game tonight. its okay. cause i loveee playing. zomg. after football's over, seth is doing concert band! holy cow am i excited. hehe. so i stayed home yesterday. and i slept til like noon. then evan called my house from his chemistry class and said he missed me and wanted to check up on me. hes like a really protective big brother :] it makes me smilee. i feel 1000000x better. like im freaking hyper as crap. i got up half an hour early today. thats right. i got up at 4:30AM. i know right.

its not too cold out today. which should be goord. its the start of the rosenhayne harvest festival. which should be orgasmic.

now im of consenting age to be forgetting you in a cabaret somewhere downtown. where a burlesque queen may ask my name.

i have a football game on halloween. ughh. im so not happy. but we get to wear costumes on the field. which is pretty raddd. im gonna be either a super hero or a rapper. i was a pimp last year. but oh well. im probably gonna wear a clock necklace and a gangster ring and my money necklace. it should be cute. im excited.

suhhxczftgdfghkdjzrhtilshzrgthzserth

iloveyousomuch

woahh

and your broken voice is quivering.

and all the words we never say come out.

and theres no sense in playing games.

so one day im going to run away with him. and we are never going to come back. and we are going to be together. always. and things are going to be okay then. they'll be fine.

so yesterday[saturday] we had our first band competetion of the season. my first ever. and woah do i have alot to write about. okay so on the bus ride there, i sat with evan and jen. across from kyleeee. that was interesting in its self. kyle brought a blueberry muffin and we were nomming on that. and we were making a mess. so we finally got to the school. and we all had to pee. so we went in. and i got into a fight with the hand dryer. and then kyle was like "the bathrooms are huge" and i was like eh. but then we got out hands stamped. and the paint took forever to dry and me and kyle hit ours together and they smeared everywhere. so our like who hands were purple. then we went and got out instruments and got dressed and whatnot. i was really nervous so chris porch tought me how to breath correctly. which kept me occupied. then we went on. and woah did we blow them out of the water. after, we went back to the bus and got changed. i guess kyle was having issues getting his uniform pants off so he goes "ashley, can you get my pants off" and because im such a band geek i didnt think anything of it. so i "took kyles pants off." it was pretty funny once i realized it. then we went to sit in the stands. some of the other bands were so good me and per were almost crying. and we were the only band where pit had their own cheer. we were amazing. probably why we won our first #1 spot in 5 years. since my aunt graduated to be exact. its cause the bloods back in the band. :D

so im gonna start earlier yesterday. i got home from band and my dad calls. he was on his way to go pick up the little siblings from school. he was on this tiny back street and his motor blew. he was like "sam and devon need to be picked up" so i took cait [the babe] over to evans with me and asked his mom if she could go get them. but she wouldnt be allowed to pick them up because shes not on the card. so we went and got my dad and she took him up to get them and me and cait sat with the car. inside. with the doors locked. and later, after all this, cory called and flipped because of it all. when he got home we got into it and he walked in screaming and hitting things. i flipped and went into defense mode. and i ended up leaving. so now i dont know where im staying tonight cause my dad said i wasnt allowed to stay here. ughh. damn my life.

justgothehellaway.

ive been at evans all day. theyre like my surrogate family. i have no idea what id do without them. i love all of them so much. you have no idea.

i miss seth. alot. :/