joyus


Sleeping pills, no sleeping dogs lie never far enough away. Glistening in the cold sweat of guilt. I've watched you slowly winding down for years. You can't keep on like this, now's a better time as any.


so sometimes its hard for me to figure out if he is serious. and i dont like being confused. i wish i could read him. he is so complicated. everything touches a nerve. which, il admit, is helpful sometimes. but im scared that im going to say the wrong thing and hurt him. bad. and even if hes not happy with me forever, i want him to be able to love someone, without being held back. god. i pray every night that it lasts forever. i try. so hard. i want this. so bad. im sorry. maybe im being stupid. im 15. what 15 year old dreams of marriage? "love is not a victory march. its a cold. and its a broken. hallelujah."


when i get excited i bite the inside of my lip. and when im with him, i get this awful hole on the inside of my mouth. i guess he should be happy with himself. (:

6:01 AM

hmm. done getting ready for school. too early. free time isnt so bad anymore. i enjoy it actually. its quite nice. quiet. time to think about good things. things i dont usually have time to think about. its like reflecting. [i remember the last time i heard someone use that word.]

so last night i explained how there is now an envelope of eternity. and it belongs to us. and how i would die for the chance to just stay in that place in time. sometimes im just deep.

deep... :

its too early. i need coffee. and evan. that will make me feel better. coffee, evan, and a school laptop so i can write my bios. it will be easy. like sunday morning. easy like sunday morning. sunday mornings are never easy. so i lied. it will be easy like the morning of February 21st. that was an easy morning. i liked getting up then.

refresher.

so i straightened my hair today for the first time in eternity. there i go. using that word again. but i did. and its soft. and i like it. i think i look cute today. i think.

i used to live for the times when people would tell me im pretty. i used to simmer in the moment. and enjoy it. but i dont need that sort of acceptance anymore. its nice. ya know. having someone that will love you and think youre beautiful even when youre old and gray.

you should get one. i mean a someone like that. a special someone. thats it. thats the phrase. special someone. evan is my special someone. more like my life. but hey. we all gotta start somewhere right?

i havent blogged like this in a long time. i miss it. i liked saying exactly what i was thinking in the order it came out. for too long i was worried about who read it. now i dont care. its MY blog. thats all.

secret #12- sometimes i spend too much for a cup of coffee. just so i can carry around the cute cup. (:

good vibrations

im at my daddy's. kinda boredd. i miss evan. alot. hes like a part of me. i feel empty when im not with him. i like it though. its nice. (:
ilovehimmm.

goeth


things are shaping up to be pretty odd.


i hate change. normally. but this is good change. good for everyone. i think im gonna like it. alot. i hope. i just really need him to help pull me through. thats all i need. him.


all my tests came back. free and clear. im healthy. thats good. great way to start the change.


(:

iloveyouwithallthatiam.

ineedyoumorethanyouknow.

<3
secret #11- i like the sound of snoring.

first


so we got there like 9 ish maybe? and we played rock band for a while then me and ev went to watch a movie. best movie of my entire life. then he went to bed and i like fell asleep as soon as he stood up. then in the morning timmy woke up and came out to where i was sleeping and that sort of woke me up. so i went in and pushed ev over and woke him up. then we went down to eat breakfast. then we got ready and went to da slopess. lol. da. bahaha. then when we came home, i got a shower then we watched another movie. then i fell asleep. and then we went out to eat. i had some really salty chicken marsala. it was ehh. then we went back to the housee. XD. (a few hours and 2 movies later) i went to bed. and so did face babe. then this morning he woke up and came out to my futon and we just sort of layed there for a while. then we had cracker barrel pancakes then we packed.

all i saw on the way home was ev's face any the back of my eyelids. it was nice.


i love that boy. with all that i am. and i wouldnt trade him for anything on the planet.


"one day. when were married."

tease


"was that okay?"

"yes. you were amazing."


first times. i dont even know what to write. i was scared. but i liked it. being scared. i liked not knowing what i was doing. its like an adventure.


i think thats all im gonna tell you. keep you guessing. (:


xoxo
secret #10[maybe?]- i gasp sometimes

sparkle.


1. when i say ashley. you say dee.

2. im happy where i am.

3. i love my town.

4. im going to marry him one day. hold me to it.

5. im scared of the dark.

6. ricky is my best friend.

7. im a camera ham.

8. i have short legs. i love them.

9. jordan completes me.

10. im scared of losing him.

11. my friends are better than yours.

12. i worry too much

13. im a good kisser.

14. i like my hair.

15. i listen to country music every day.

16. i talk to a picture everynight.

17. i used to be a ballerina.

18. i wanted to be someones "tiny dancer"

19. im allergic to carrots and lies

20. speaking of, im a horrible lier.

21. i could swim when i was 3.

22. i like movies, alot.

23. i need a job.

24. im not good at saying no.

25. i lose my train of thought alot.

26. ive broken 12 bones.

27. never had stitches.

28. i love caramel delights.

29. i take Necon everyday

30. i wear flip flops alot.

31. evan is the most amazing person on the planet.

32. hes a firefighter[hero]

33. im scared of spiders.

34. i used to have a pet lizard.

35. i text like the world will end

36. i hate when people talk about other people to me

37. i make up words sometimes.

38. me and jordan communicate through sounds like grunts and squeals.

39. yellow is my favorite color

40. i spilled glitter everywhere[heh]

41. im a generally happy person.

42. i play instruments. dont ask how many.

43. someone broke into my house while i was sleeping once.

44. i have an adopted big brother. his name is justin.

45. things have changed for me.

46. i love old people.

47. i read alot.

48. im bad with directions.

49. i dont like disappointing people

50. im in band.

51. my little sister cuts my hair.

52. i smell people.

53. i creep myself out sometimes.

54. evan is a boyscout.

55. i read dictionaries sometimes.

56. im not the sharpest tack in the box.

57. i think about stuff. hard.

58. i miss people.

59. i love chocolate.

60. i want someone to send me flowers. to school. (:

61. i love my room

62. my parents are divorced.

63. me and my dad argue. alot.

64. i get cold sometimes.

65. i like small towns.

66. i like acoustic music.

67. someone once wrote me a song. i saved it.

68. my cousins are in the marines.

69. i love God.

70. i chicken out sometimes.

71. i can knit.

72. i cant sing.

73. sometimes i wish the moon would forget to fall down.

74. i like school.

75. my thumbs are flat on one side.

76. i forgive but dont forget.

78. i dont get angry too easy.

79. i keep pinkey promises.

80. i need to learn people change.

81. i missed your skin when you were east.

82. i heart cj jarema

83. facebook?

84. i have 3 siblings

85. im closest with my sister slammm.

86. i have a list of things i want to do before i die

87. when the firehorn blows, my heart races.

88. i like to hold hands

89. music is my life.

90. im protective.

91. sometimes i need to be protected.

92. i only trust a few people.

93. you remind me of a former love that i once knew.

94. i like the rain.

95. summer is my favorite.

96. my street is amazing.

97. i cant play clarinet.

98. im not catholic.

99. i dont want to be famous.

100. i like learning new things.

101. woah. (:

chime


dance to this beat.

the world began again today. not even lying. it stopped spinning. then it started again. when i remembered where i was. i couldnt breathe, i tripped over my words, and i had tunnel vision. and i loved it. its such an amazing feeling. i wish i could live in that moment. surely you understand. i do now. i never did before. i feel light as a feather. *sigh*

again?

secret #9- i listen to country music everyday.

be my light

sweet kisses i've got to spare. i'll be there. and i'll cover you.

another empty life


ugh. more tests. fail. all over their life. i hate the doctors. i hate all doctors. they are liars. i hate them.

time flies


One song. A song about love. Glory. From the soul of a young man. A young man. Find. The one song. Before the virus takes hold.

so tomorrow is valentine's day. and il be with my evan. hopefully. if everything goes the way we want. i hope.

i have a doctors appointment in half an hour. they got my blood work in, and said they wanted to see me ASAP. im scared as what. you have no idea. im shaking. hmm. il be fine. yeah. il be okay.

glory.
like the sunset.

<3

before i die


1. go to a college party
2. ice skate in Rockafeller Center
3. learn how to play the bag pipes
4. go to Austria and Vienna
5. parachute
6. see the northern lights.
7. spend the night in the bed of a pick up truck in his arms. under the stars.
8. cut my wedding cake with him.
9. see the Brian Setzer Orchestra live
10. learn how to swing dance
11. shake the presidents hand
12. stand atop the Eiffel Tower
13. save someones life
14. eat escargot
15. get really good at guitar
16. get a tattoo
17. do Cherry Poppin Daddies for jazz band
18. go to africa and build an orphanage
19. adopt a gray hound
20. play piano at Carnegie Hall
21. go to a family reunion
22. wear a sequin dress to church
23. grow my hair REALLY long then donate somee


to be continued...

prayer


"if i come over later, will you still kiss me if i stink like onions?"


i wish he was easy to read. it would make my life easier. erm. yeah. sure. not likely. i love every second of it though. (:

sprawl


Oh, I'm scared to death to find out what you think of me.

so im home. tonight. rest. thats what i need. i need to rest myself. im working too hard to please everyone. i need to rest. and not upset anyone. that will make it better. nothing to worry about. i'll be fine. no problems. it will be okay. better.

when he gets all worried. it shouldn't, but, i feel secure. like, i guess its the fact that i have someone that worries about me. and i pray, with all that i have, that he doesn't change his mind. this is new. im happy. i though i was happy before. but that was just to hide the scars. i guess. i dont really know. he loves me. i know that. for certain. no doubt. i just hope its not just skin deep. i hope. thats all i can do i presume.

i dont know.
iloveyou

birthday


[13:22] phenom lives on: so im thinking for your 18th birthday, im gonna take you for a drive, and might not ever bring you home

[13:22] phenom lives on: lol

[13:22] ashl3ymcmuffin: sounds like a plann

[13:22] ashl3ymcmuffin: :]