have you ever just fealt really empty? you know how to fill it. but you cant. you reach. and reach. but nothing is enough.

i messed up. i messed up bad. and i cant take back what i said. but i dont want to. i need to learn from myself. i was made wrong. i cant learn from other peoples mistakes. im just abnormal. fml. i miss him so much. its like a twisting iron. its uncomfortable. to say the least.

but like usual. im going to put on a mask. so everyone can be happy. and wallow in my grief alone.

DEE's house tomorrow nightish. bonfire. il drown my sorrows in andrew's liquor. yayy. hahaha. i love my friends. theyre the bestest.

list of things people say that upset me:

-"no youre not" in response to im sorry. IF I WASNT I WOULDNT HAVE APOLOGIZED

-"it will be okay"

-"you should be able to do this"

-"easier said than done" DONT SAY IT

-"i used to love you"

so ellen and jordan have been bugging me to write a new blog for AGES.lol. so finally im writing a new blog.

im in newspaper class. and im trying to write my rough draft for my article on graduation, but the teachers arent exactly giving me nice answers. like they are being very blunt blatent and not descriptive. how am i supposed to write a dang article about planning graduation if the freaking planners dont answer my questions.

agh. so this weekend is going to be crazy. CRAZY FUN. XD

i have no idea what to write. im suffering from the incurable writers block. save me. someone.

iloveyou. a lot.
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p.s. ellen. if youre reading this. I LOVE YOU! XD

p.p.s. jordan. call me. i need to know about plans for this weekend.

hear my words that i might teach you.

take my arms that i might lead you.

so im in a really good mood. everything is better. and my world is righting itself. im so happy. and jordan is happy too. were both happy. at once. XD.

ugh; i hate buzz kills. stupid people.

im gonna go make food. nom.

iloveyouanddontyouforgetit

it was like being punched in the face. and i couldnt bring myself to say that it hurt. it did. it hurt terribly. like twisting something into a spot thats already home to way too many dusty memories and painful words once dwelled upon but now pushed to the far corner of my brain.

you kissed me on the sidewalk. then you left me standing there. i couldnt make my legs move. i was too concerned with holding my ribs together so the liquid that was now drowning everything inside me didnt make a mess on the curb. i wouldnt want to spill it on anyone's shoes. its my burden. not a poor pedestrians. i stood there. for what seemed like hours. and when i finally came to, your lights were out, and someone was calling my name.

i know it was partially my fault. mostly mine. but not singularly mine. you said yourself. its a two way thing. and you were to blame too. i dont want to admit it. because for some awful reason, its easier to blame myself.

I have squandered my resistance

For a pocketful of mumbles

Such are promises

All lies and jests

i dont want tomorrow to come. i dont want to have to clean up the mess i made. i want it to be fixed. but i dont know how much more i can bear. im not as strong as i used to be. he wore me down.

i dont know why i wrote this blog. it just made me feel worse. ugh.