home sweet home

im in newspaper class. and george is talking. and i want to shoot him. his attutude pisses me off. you can hear the rain on the roof. its soothing. i miss evan. i saw him like five minutes ago. but i miss him so much. he is like... a drug? i live to see him. not even joking. like. when im with him i forget about things. i forget that im stressed. i forget that me and my parents fight. i forget that i hate school. i forget that there is a piece of me that is dead now. he makes me feel alive. like nothing can go wrong. i feel invicible. its a good feeling. i like feeling like i matter to someone. i like to know that he loves me no matter how bad i mess up or how stupid i act. he thinks im pretty... even when i know im not.

And it's 4am and we will stalk again. The princess and her bitter queen. On the 4th day of July. Deep in summers eye, naked like the truth should always be.

more things i hate... i hate ex boyfriends that cant just break off clean. i hate losing pets. and people. i hate knowing things that i dont like are going to happen and i cant change a thing. i hate feeling empty. i hate that people think they make me happy, but they dont, and i dont know how to tell them. i hate when people are mad at me. and wont tell me. i hate that this blog is probably boring you to death and i dont care... yes. i dont care. i hate that i push people away. i hate that he reads this. i hate that he exists. but i hate that as soon as he is gone for good im going to miss him like crazy. he is like a part of my routine now. hes a page in my story. if a page is missing, things dont make sense. dont want to erase the past. because it brought me here. and im liking it here. a lot. i like that im getting comfortable. i like that evan makes me feel like im worth something. i hate that there are people that dont want us together. i hate that those people are close to me, but i wont give him up for them. i hate that people move away. i hate that my parents are divorced. i hate that im not like most kids. i hate the rain. i hate the nights that im alone. i hate being home by myself. i hate that im writing this blog right now. is not worth the time its taking me. this blog isnt worth the time its taking me. but i cant stop.

im going to stop blogging. what would he do then? when he cant keep track of me. what will he say? will he be mad? will he admit to his dependance? i dont care. okay. im done caring so much about what he thinks. i hate that i miss him.

im a hateful person. i know. im not sorry though. im not. im done being sorry.

iloveyousomuchthatitripsmetoshreds.
<3 :D