i didnt know it was supposed to be this hard. that it was like an uphill battle. one that no matter how much you fight, you can never win. no matter how strong you think you are. it always breaks you down. it always exposes you. exposes how weak you really are. the walls you worked so hard to build are just shattered like paper. and all you can do is sit there and watch it fall. watch your life crumble. and it kills you. to know that youre taking the ones you love down with you. its your burden. and somehow it always gets handed off. its never going to be over.

i love you.

and im sorry that it kills me.

Cause baby you weren't the first or the last or the worst

And I've got to fill the blanks in the past with a verse

And we could sit around and cry but frankly your not worth it

so ricky im'd me. and i got all WHOOT. heh. hes funn. best frannddd. wants to come chill. should be amazing. ricky. ashley. a house. a ps2. food. and energy. could get messy. should be crazayy. i wuv that kidd. him and his crazy guitar obsession. hahaha.

timmy's home. well on his way home. yay. i miss that kid like crazy. heh.

seths mad at me. not the first time. it shall pass.

iloveyou.

cant wait til tuesdayy.

so today is seths first scrimage. and i cant go. i have no ride, and mymom said she wanted to "spend the day with us" only she left about an hour ago. whatever dude. im done. cause like on top of the scrimage, hes getting his tattoo. ughhh.

tomorrow is lukas' birthday. i miss him. his stupid parents dont let me talk to him anymore. i guess i cant really do anything about it. :/

iloveyou.

iamsosorry.

jersey <3

i want you to know that i see all the reasons why you fail.

asdfghjkl

so im really light feeling today.seths coming home tomorrow. ricky might come over tomorrow. maybe. with evan. and maybe seth. and were gonna play guitar hero 80s.

band was amazing today. kinda. my vibraphone is broken. a janitor stepped on it. stupid cleaner man. melly tried to fix it. but kjdghkhbgd. ricky and evan rode with me this morning. it was pretty funn. he kept picking on me. and he told me the story about smiley man. at the hibachi place. and i told P im switching instruments. to the piano. and he got all sad. i played the castinets and the cow bell. and i taught ricky how to play the castinets. it was funn. i <3 band.

iloveyou.
cantwaittiltomorrow.

so i want a storybook ending. where after all the defeats, hard times, and bull, everything falls into place. i want everything to work out. i want someone to want to be with me forever. and isnt scared of working. really hard. for it. someone who wants all of me. and im really worried that its not going to happen. its probably too much to ask. and im sorry for that. but i dont care. its what i want. and im gonna try.

so today should be okay. im prolly gonna chill with evan. play some guitar hero 80s. if my mom stops being so undercover mean. ughh.

iloveyou.
pleasecomehome.

break it down. crank it up.

so i wish. at 11:11 every day. its usually tha same thing. and youd think that after a while id stop wishing. but im stupid.

so evan came over. and we chilled. it was a pleasent surprise. he told me this hilarious arab joke. [no offense to arabs] and he decided he loves my dog. no clue why. hes annoying as crap. cant wait til thursday, friday, saturday, and sundayy.

im gonna ask my mommy if shell take me and a few friends to the beach sunday. :] whoot.

iloveyou

heh.

so today has been orgasmic. like amazing. like hardcore smile machine. band was lgnksjksejta. i got a new vibraphone. its so pretty. i almost threw up happiness. ricky even said it was amazing. im so excited. i cant wait til thursday to play it.

on top of that. seth called and was all happy. which made my day. i love talking to him. it makes me smilee. hes having it rough at football camp. but he can do it. i know he can.

so later kylie might come over and stay the night. maybe. and might chill with evan and ricky. if she comes. and yeahh. im pretty happy about that. seth comes home in 3 days. whoot.

im just really really bored. i hate being home all day. it blows. :/

iloveyoualot.
imissyoumore.
8562751654

You have to get a facial piercing what do you get?
ashley- nose
justin- lip


Are you mad about anything?
ashley- yes
justin- a lot of shit


Do you smoke weed everyday?
ashley- nope
justin- nope never will


Would you go a month without cursing?
ashley- i could
justin- bull shit


Are you currently reading a book?
ashley- yess
justin- yes

Have you ever ridden a horse?
ashley- haha.
i try to avoid horses
justin- yep


Was your last kiss drunk or sober?
ashley- we were arguing about me being mad about being sober
justin- sober

Are you scared of sharks?
ashley- not really
justin- no


You can take one friend on vacation with you, who do you bring?
ashley- fatty cakes
justin- a slut

You get arrested, what for?
ashley- underage drinking
justin- QQ

What are you wearing?
ashley- clothes
justin- linkin park shirt

Abortion: yes or no?
ashley- PRO LIFE
justin- PRO CHOICE

Gay marriage: yes or no?
ashley-most def
justin- fuck no

Where are you right now?
ashley- homee
justin- ashleys house

Do you have any hickies?
ashley- nope
justin- surprisingly no

Whose car did you last drive in and who was in it?
ashley- my moms.
and evan was in it
justin- my sisters car w/ her boyfriend

Name someone whose name starts with the letter "C":
ashley- casey
justin- casey

Whats your current problem?
ashley- justin keeps showing me nasty videos
justin- ashley not letting me show her nasty videos

Looking back did you ever waste too much time on a certain boy or girl?
ashley- yep
justin- yep

Do you know anyone whos addicted to any drugs?
ashley- yes. i know a few.

justin- yes

If the person who hurt you the most in your life apologized and told you that they loved you what would you do?
ashley- uhm...
justin- get ashley to punch hatchet face in her DICK

Have you ever broken someones heart?
ashley- heh
justin- rofl

Who was the last person who looked at you and smiled?
ashley- justin
justin- ashley

Ever made out in a bathroom?
ashley- heh.
no
justin- yes.
w/ hatchet face

Do you keep grudges or can you let them go easily?
ashley- im actually a big push over. justin will tell you that.

justin- i remember everything

Could you ever be friends again with someone that broke your heart?
ashley- heh
justin- with everything that recurred.
no

Do you have cancer or know someone who does?
ashley- i know a few people
justin- family member

Do you have an accent?
ashley-kinda
justin- YES

Who did you last talk to in person?
ashley- justin
justin- ashley

Are your parents constantly breathing down your neck?
ashley- mmhm
justin- yeah

Do you hate people who are obsessed with things like High School Musical Hannah Montana and The Jonas Brothers?
ashley- i am one of those people
justin- fuck yes

Do you have a birthmark?
ashley- mmhm
justin- yeah

What are your outlooks on gay/bisexual relationships?
ashley- i think theyre CUTE
justin- if its a lez it just means she likes what i like

Last person you gave up on?
ashley- justin
justin- myself

Last time you watched someone flirt with someone you were interested in?
ashley- woah. girls flirt with my man all the time.

justin- yeah it kinda hurt

Could you go a day without eating?
ashley- nooo
justin- i have.


Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in your presence?
ashley- my mom
justin- eric

Can you roll your tongue?
ashley- kinda
justin- mmhm

Bet your missing someone now?
ashley- yes
justin- no

Is there a high chance of you going out to the movies soon?
ashley- nope
justin- dunno

If there was a large spider in the room would you stay?
ashley- NOOO
justin- kill it and go to sleep

When was the last time you were truly completely happy with your life?
ashley- when things werent so dramatic.

justin- i dont remember

Next time you will kiss someone?
ashley- next time i see seth
justin- dont know. dont care.


Where was your default picture taken?
ashley- my porch
justin- my sisters room

What sport do you enjoy watching?
ashley- football
justin- volleyball

Are you afraid of falling in love?
ashley- eh
justin- hmm

Is there something that happened in your past that you really hate talking about?
ashley- not really
justin- yes

Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
ashley- mmhm
justin- gtfo

Regret doing anything in the past week?
ashley- kinda
justin- mmhm

When did you last cry?
ashley- yesterday
justin- like 2 weeks ago

Do you crack your knuckles?
ashley- mmhm
justin- mmhm

Would you ever steal someones boyfriend or girlfriend?
ashley- heh heh
justin- nope

Who was the last person you cried in front of & why?
ashley- i was on the phone with justin
justin- sammy

Has anyone ever told you they want to spend the rest of their life with you?
ashley- mmhm
justin- sadly

Has anyone ever told you they are in love with you?
ashley- mmhm
justin- sadly

Do you find tattoos attractive?
ashley- sometimes
justin- depends what they are

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
ashley- yes
justin- yup

Is there anybody you're really disappointed in right now?
ashley- yes
justin- myself

Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed?
ashley- yes
justin- yup

Do you drink tea?
ashley- yess
justin- zomg i love tea

Have you ever wanted something you couldnt have?
ashley- yes :[
justin- yep

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
ashley- mabe. thats a thinker.

justin- id rewrite my own history

What are your plans for this weekend?
ashley- my daddys :]
justin- nope [ashleys gonna try to get him to her house]

What is the last thing you said aloud?
ashley- i reads this question
justin- i laughed at ashley

Do you believe in soul mates?
ashley- yes.

justin- not anymore

Do you like seafood?
ashley- yessums
justin- yeah

Do you remember your dreams?
ashley- most of the time
justin- yeah

Do you consider yourself a study freak?
ashley- not at all
justin- im a wow nerd

Last thing you ate?
ashley- pizza
justin- pizza

Name something you did yesterday?
ashley- went to seth's
justin- played WoW

If you are being extremely quiet what does that mean?
ashley- i'm tired
justin- i'm thinking

Do you have a best friend(s)?
ashley- yes
justin- si

Are you a morning person or a night person?
ashley- morning
justin- NIGHT

Is there a difference between the words best friend and the word friend?
ashley- ummm yup
justin- i guess

Whats your favorite season?
ashley- fall
justin- winter because the nights are gorgeous

If you could change your eye color would you?
ashley- green
justin- gray

Last person who told you a secret?
ashley- justin
justin- ashley

Did you ever date the person you last kissed?
ashley- i currently am
justin- yea for like a day

Whats your favorite thing about sundays?
ashley- church
justin-sleep

Last phone call you received?
ashley- seth ;]
justin- FUCKIN ASHLEY GD

What are you wearing on your feet?
ashley- nothin
justin- sandalias

Who did you last get into a big argument with?
ashley- seth
justin- haha my mom

Did you get enough sleep last night?
ashley- yes
justin- ASHLEY i kill you

Do you think people talk shit about you?
ashley- i know people talk shit about me
justin- hell yea

When was the last time you gave a back massage?
ashley- never ever
justin- sammy cuz i told her to haha

What song are you listening to right now?
ashley- the time is running out
justin- whatever the hell ash is listening to

What are you doing?
ashley- rejoicing because of this being the last question
justin- not QQing about how long this survey was

[20:00] MachineGunAshley: fatty cakesss.
[20:01] xNightsfallenx14: chunky
[20:01] MachineGunAshley: :]]


woah. so my mood spiked REAL fast. seth leaves tomorrow. *sob* im gonna miss him. but he needs to get away for a while. it will be good for him. fattycakes wants to take me and slamm to great adventure. should be fun. if the rents let me go. hope they doo. i love my fatty cakes. :P

hmm.
things are gonna be okay.
i know that they are.
:]

so i have no idea why but whenever i come home my mood always dies. i just feel like im being put back into prison. and its stupid. my stomach gets all knotty and my muscles tense like im about to fight. and i dont know why.

seths leaving for 5 days. football camp. im gonna miss him so much. i have a horrible feeling that were going to be seperated on a bad note. and that bothers me. but its whatever. no sense in getting worried over something i cant change. i mean really. whats the point.

ugh. i hate feeling like this. i just want to go to sleep and wake up somewhere else. without her. or him. or them. just us. that would make me happy. i just miss being happy when im around them.

i love you.
so much.

so i was just sitting here right. and there was this HUGE spide on my desk. it was for serious like the size of a silver dollar. it was crazy. i am so scared of spiders. and i was talking to brad at the time and he goes "kill it" so i did. and guts went everywhere. eww.

:D

I wish the world was just music. Sounds were the oxygen and lyrics were the scenery.The streets would be of paper written in the words of the songwriters The sounds would play from the trees The sky would rain words That beautifully mix to create a masterpiece of song

will washes his hair in the sink.

so seth didnt make the varsity team. but its okay. i still love him a lot. hes upset. were prolly going to taco bell for dinner tonight. it should be fun. :]

this blog was pointless.
:/

iloveyouwithallmyheart

1st semester.
-world history [h]
-french 1
-physical sci. [cp]
-gym/health

2nd semester
-english [h]
-earth sci [h]
-news paper publication
-alg. 1

how do people wake up so early? the sun isnt even shining. hes lucky were biffers. i mean other than my lover i would NOT wake up this early just to say bye to someone. it was so cute though. he was all happy. and smiley. i love making people really happy. it brightens my day. he was cheesin. i hope he has fun. up north. with the mountains. and bugs. and dirt. and bugs. lol. he will. i know he will. because hes cool like that. but il miss him. no one to say good morning to. [no matter what time it is]. oh well. he will be back friday night. and monday were hanging out. it should be a barrel. movies. mallows. FUN. maybe il finally learn what happy pizza is. lol. that would be amazing. i wouldnt feel so left out. even though i wasnt actually there. well coffee calls.

i love you.
all.
:]

so have you ever REALLY not known what to do with yourself? like you just dont know what to do. like everything is crashing down on you. and you can see that moment of truth. the moment where youre supposed to make everything better. the moment that could fix all your mistakes. but you know that if you fix those misakes, youre going to make a million more. its like you have to decide whats more important. which you would rather have. youre also scared of looking like a fool when you go to fix everyhing. like youre crawling back. when youre not. you just want it all back. back to how it used to be. youre also kind of jealous that youre missing out on so much. like youre being replaced. its hard. i cant do it.

i love you.
but you cant ask me to choose.

so i had band camp all week. 8 AM to 4 PM. it was killer. i had a on of fun. and i almos have all my music memorized. were doing styx. come sail away. he best of times. and lady.

the video is of our guitarist ricky on our lead trumpet player, chris' back. theyre chasing afer our aux percussion player kevin and pelting him with peanut bags.

:]

I swear that you dont have to go
I thought we could wait for the fireworks
I thought we could wait for the snow, to wash over Georgia and kill the hurt
I thought I could live in your arms
and spend every moment I have with you
stay up all night with the stars
confess all the faith that I had in you
I had in you

there are just some people in the world, that no matter how much they hurt you, its impossible for you to even think about living without them. and no matter how much having them in your life pushes more important people away, you cant give them up. its disgusting. because you know how selfish it is of you to keep them around. how much its going to ruin so many walls youve worked so hard to put up. it kills you.

and baby. does it kill me.

i love you.
way too much.

so today was supposed to be the first day of band camp. but the stupid power had to go out and so it was cancelled. i was so bummed. but i got my music. for xylophone. were doing the best of times and lady by styx. it looks easy enough. :] im just happy. NO DRILLS FOR ME. seth is coming over. and yeah. but i ended up helping my aunt pack for college instead of musicing it today. it was interesting.

oh well. hopefully tomorrow is better. [and the weather is as amazing as today.]

i love you.
:B

stop drinking on that haterade.

bahaha. that made me happy. almost as happy as the fact that there are people in this world that never fail to make me smile. and i love them. i wish everyone was like them. all nice, and lovey.

youallneedtogotobelikesammyschool.

i dont even know anymore.

chicks dig the long stethoscope.

be my friend. please. cause i have like no friends. im a friendless loser. and it sucks. its all lonely and boring. and i miss being around people. i dont want to not be their friends. but its difficult.

ihatethisosmuch

i love you.
hopefully.

[16:11] MaddMathMan: kadabra shouldve beaten that nigga rat, word?!

Your class, your caste, your country, sect, your name, or your tribe.

just so you know. im bored. and my tummy hurts. and caseys here. and will is playing pokemon. the yellow version. and summer is half over. seriously. its summer. im not supposed to be home bored. but the only friends i have are either here, or buisy. which saddens me. why cant i keep some decent friends. i always screw up everything. :[

i love you.

with a smile on my face and a blunt in my ash tray.

so im really happy today. no clue why. band camp next week. 8AM-4PM. no life for 5 days.

excitement.

i love you.
:]

so all day i have been listening to 80s music. and i just tried to listen to something different. and i failed. i was like "this is gay"

so some people just have the power to make me happier. ilovehertodeath.

:D

There was a boy and a girl who we knew from high school. They were head over hills for the things that we do.
They used to follow us down to the cornerstore they'd say, "Buy us a song today!"
And everyone else started asking around, they'd say "The song is a hit!" They'd say they like that sound.
Well guess what? You're in luck, cause they're playing tonite. Yeah that's right, they're playing tonite
put your arms to the sky.


i need to get out of this town. its built upon drama. stupid people thinking its entertaining to spread rumors and talk crap. people like Arcadia. people that dont deserve to be on this earth. honestly. this town is bringing me down. its stupid dramatic bull is really killing me. i dont need to be burdened with mentally disgusting people at my throat 24/7.

is there anyone i can trust?

i love you.
i think.

to be honest i hope you choke. you waste your time trying to upset me. but you dont. you dont bother me. you are honestly a waste of life. i have no idea why anyone would ever spend any of their time trying to make you happy. he was right when he said that you shouldnt have been born. you have no purpose. really. what is telling someone else to tell me that you want to fight me going to solve? are you really that jealous that you feel the need to be violent? try telling me to my face.

id love to see the day.

i love you.

remember when things were fun? when things werent akward? when there werent lies? when you could walk up to someone in the park, smile at them, and you were best friends forever? when people kept promises? when love was tossed around like a ball? when messy hair and dirty hands werent so bad?

gosh. i miss that. when i wasnt so worried about myself. and other people. when i could do what i wanted.

its not all its cracked up to be.

i love you.

so im pretty leery about everything today. what you say. the things you promise me. im not sure of it. i used to take stock in everything you told me. but now i realize that even you have the power to lie to me. i just dont believe you when you tell me you love me anymore. its not the same. and i shouldnt be telling everyone this. cause its my problem. its my burden. but i cant control myself. im sadistic. when im hurting it makes me feel better to know that someone else is hurting too.

i need to shut up. im ticking myself off. why cant i just freaking deal with this.

i love you.
and i mean it.

when i die. hallelujah by and by. ill fly away.

so i just remembered something fun. on the boardwalk in Wildwood, there is this thing called the Boardwalk Chapel. and when me ad seth walked by, there were this adorable group of russian workers on the stage, with acoustic guitars, and they were singing ill fly away. i just wanted to run up to them and give them all HUGE hugs. it was beautiful. that they werent bothered by the fact that millions of teens were walking by laughing at them. they were praising God. it was amazing. i wish i was as courageous as them. that is faith.

i love you